Preparing For The End

There's one month left to go until school starts, which means I'm counting down the days until I have to go back to work. I'd be lying if I said that thought doesn't fill me with a certain amount of panic. After 15 months at home with A, she'll be heading to day care and I'll be heading...somewhere.

What exactly I am going back to has been a question that I've been grappling with even before getting pregnant. If you've read this blog from the beginning, you've probably gathered that work hasn't exactly been my Happy Place over the last few years. I thought that a year away might help me get my motivation back but it has only increased my desire for change.

I considered my options:

1. Same old, same old. The thought of going back to substitute teaching and continuing to wait for things to get better leaves me feeling deflated and stuck. In my province, you start out as a sub and basically wait your turn for a permanent position. It's been five years with no real prospects in sight. Maternity leave felt like a "now or never" opportunity to get off of that hamster wheel and if I don't take it, I'll constantly be wondering "what if?" 

2. A completely new direction. The big downside here is that most other career directions would require going back to school. That's a big time and money commitment that I'm not ready to make at this point. I actually did have a college program picked out before A was born but as I started looking into it more seriously, I was unable to find a version that could be done totally online. Right now, that's a deal breaker. Also a deal breaker was how much sales would be a part of the job (the program was in the financial services sector).  

3. Half in, half out. This is the current plan. I'll be going back to teaching in the fall and actively looking for something else. If I do find something, I'll take a leave of absence from teaching to see where things go. I am cautiously optimistic; while there isn't anything right now, I did come across a few interesting opportunities earlier in the year that would have been doable. That gives me hope that something will come along, I just have to keep watching and waiting.

That probably doesn't sound like much progress but it feels good to have a plan and feel like I'm doing something to make a change instead of just complaining about how much the status quo sucks. I've already updated my teaching resume and have applied for a couple of contracts, since a full-time paycheque would be good if I could get it. The non-teaching resume is a work in progress. 

What doesn't feel as good is knowing that I won't get to spend my days with A anymore. Realistically, this change will be good for both of us. She will make new friends and have tons of new experiences, and I will have some adult time again. Sometimes I get excited by the thought of having total freedom once she's in day care and I have days off. I can get stuff done around the house! I can enjoy some quiet! Then I feel guilty and worry about who will comfort her when she needs a snuggle. We found a day care that we love and I know that she will be in good hands. I know she will be ok. But it will be a big change for both of us so I'm making extra effort these days to appreciate all this time together while we still have it.

Review: The Boy Who Harnessed The Wind

[Today's usual TTC Friday post is going to be a few days late. I haven't been feeling great this week and I've been sitting on this review for a while, so it will have to tide you over. I'll be back soon!]
 
The Boy Who Harnessed The Wind: Creating Currents of Electricity and Hope, William Kamkwamba and Bryan Mealer
Audiobook
Rating: 3.0/5.0

Like China Road earlier this year, this is a book I only discovered because the author was interviewed on The Daily Show. Being a physics teacher, the story of William building a windmill for his village after teaching himself about electricity sounded interesting and potentially inspiring.

Here's a condensed description, taken from Amazon.ca:

The Boy Who Harnessed the Wind is the immensely engaging and inspiring true account of an enterprising African teenager who constructed a windmill from scraps to create electricity for his entire community. William Kamkwamba shares the remarkable story of his youth in Malawi, Africa—a  nation crippled by intense poverty, famine, and the AIDS plague—and how, with tenacity and imagination, he built a better life for himself, his family, and his village.

William's story is amazing to me for a few reasons. First, William grew up in a superstitious community. People tended to explain things away with magic and didn't really encourage scientific curiosity. William, however, never stopped asking questions no matter how many times the adults around him tried to dismiss them. Also, this young boy takes it upon himself to make his own education. He goes to the library to read books on the subjects he would have studied in school. He works to improve his English so that he can understand the physics books that captivate his interest. His determination and drive are inspiring.

As a teacher, I found myself wondering how many of our North American students would do what William did if they couldn't go to school? The way that our students take their education for granted often frustrates me, especially when I read books like this (see also: Three Cups of Tea, Little Princes, or Reading Lolita in Tehran). When my physics class began our electricity unit last semester, I showed my students a TED talk that William gave and told them his story, hoping to show them how the concepts they were learning are fairly basic but their applications can be life changing. I hoped that they, too, might get something out of William's determination and ingenuity. Unfortunately, it sparked nothing with that group. So disappointing.

All of this sounds like great stuff but the enthusiasm is entirely mine. The book itself is actually very dull. It's marketed as the story of the windmill but that part is just a very small portion toward the end. The majority of the book talks about William's childhood, some of his parents' history, his village, and Malawi. I get that all of those things are important for context and to convey the significance of the windmill for the people in William's village, but it was long and meandering, and at times just boring.

If you're interested, here is the second of the two TED talks that William has given:

There is also a documentary in the works. The video at that link has a more current interview with William and talks about what he's been up to in recent years.

Overall, William's story is worth hearing and learning about but the book may not be the best medium to do it.

Working On My Fitness Part I: Staying Sane

Note: This was originally intended to be one post discussing what I've been doing to manage both mental and physical health this summer. As it turns out, I'm a little longwinded so I've broken it up into two seperate posts. This one covers the mental health and Part 2 will discuss the physical. 

Remember way back in February, when I was trying to get motivated to exercise again? I had set a goal of doing yoga at least once a week and that didn't happen. I made it all the way to the end of the school year in no better shape than when I'd started. Combined with all of the emotional and physical stresses of the year, I was in considerably worse shape all around by June.

One of the things I've been doing to get back on track is something I've already mentioned: Circle + Bloom. This is a guided meditation that has been really helpful in managing stress, and getting my mind and body on the same page. I haven't really been doing it lately, just haven't felt the need, but I'm sure that once school starts again, I'll get back into it. My cycles have been more regular than ever since I started C+B but there's really no way to know that it's responsible, obviously. It has helped me stay relaxed and at the end of the day, that's the most important thing as far as my own sanity goes.

Aside from TTC, work had me really burned out this year. When you get classes that are well-behaved and everything runs smoothly, teaching is a great job. More often than not, it doesn't turn out that way. I had a couple of really challenging classes this year (grade 9s that were below grade level, behaviour issues all around, a split class that was basically two different courses in one period) and as a school community, we were hit hard by various issues (a threat right before Christmas break, a few suicides) that had to be managed very carefully. By the end of the school year, I didn't want anything to do with it anymore. Naturally, that meant it was a good time to dig myself deeper.

Right after the school year was over, I began taking an online course. It was an Additional Qualification course in special ed. It was more intense than I'd expected it to be and at first, I thought I'd lost my mind going straight into that when all I wanted to do was stop thinking about work! In the end, though, it turned out to be exactly what I needed. The discussions with other teachers put some of my own issues into perspective, made me feel better about some of what I was doing in the classroom (it can feel very isolating at times so it's always nice to hear that others have had the same issues), and gave me strategies to try in the future. I've also been participating in the Facebook group for teachers in my region, which has had a similar effect. Spending this time reflecting on work and building up resources has actually been a very good thing. I can't say I'm going back to school completely rejuvinated and inspired, but I'm certainly going back feeling a lot more prepared and capable than I felt in June.

One positive aspect of work and my course was that they served as an effective distraction from TTC troubles. Now that both are over, I'm trying to make an effort to fill my time with other things so that I don't end up on the couch, just ruminating. Deep cleaning parts of the house and organizing all of my teaching materials should take me through the rest of the break. I also gave in and created a Pinterest account yesterday, which has been filling my head with all kinds of inspiring ideas I'll probably never get around to.

So, for now, it's all about knocking some projects off the To Do list, getting inspired for future projects, and using C+B as needed to help keep the anxiety and stress levels in check. Blogging and having a good support system offline has been helpful. I still lurk on The Bump occasionally but there are times when I just need to avoid it, and that's ok. Once the new school year begins, there will probably be some more juggling until I find another new balance but so far, so good.

TTC Friday: Saturday Edition

Things have been pretty quiet on the TTC front around the blog lately. There's not much left to say on the subject. When I last posted, I mentioned that the frustration was starting affect other areas of my life and I felt like I needed to take a step back. That has turned out to be the best decision I could have made.

As the months kept passing by and my cycles kept dragging on, it took up more and more mental and emotional space. I was thinking about it and worrying about it more often than not. Work, as I've mentioned many times before, has been stressful this semester and I wasn't handling it as well as I could have because my energy was focused elsewhere. It was getting to the point where I was getting behind with marking and giving up on dealing with some classroom issues; I just didn't feel up to it. Hormones being all over the place didn't help either. When I found myself starting to think bitter things like "I have bigger things to worry about right now than a bunch of immature kids acting like brats," I realized that a line had to be drawn. I was not proud of the job I'd been doing and it was exhausting feeling perpetually behind, never making progress. I don't want my students to remember me as the teacher who was tired all the time and didn't seem to want to be there. That was when I started the Good Things project.

I decided to focus on the fact that, according to my ultrasound and blood tests (however ill-timed they might have been), things are fine. I'd keep charting, temping, and doing all of the things I usually do, but I was not going to think about it beyond what was necessary. I'd start appreciating all of the things that were going right rather than focus on the one big thing that was going wrong. Letting go of that weight has been such a relief. For the first time since the semester began, I feel like I'm in control and on top of things. I'm still a bit behind but it doesn't feel like a bottomless pit anymore. I'm smiling more in class again and am putting more into my lessons again beyond just what is needed to get through each day. I am also more appreciative of my collegues; they are probably also dealing with personal things that the rest of us have no idea about and it is probably not easy for them either.

In the back of my mind, I still wonder how much longer this is going to take. I still wonder what we're going to do when we hit that one year mark. I still wonder if there is something wrong. None of worries have magically disappeared. But those worries are exactly where they need to be right now: the back of my mind.

Good Things Wednesday

A successful Lock Down drill this morning. Last time I had to do one of those, a kid popped a balloon in the middle of it. Not good! This was much better.

The junior boys' hockey team had a tournament at the arena next door so after our lesson in the grade ten class, they went to watch hockey and I got a break.

Also thanks to the tournament, the most disruptive kids in my grade nine class were all absent (they're on the team). It was the most mellow and productive class we've had yet.

Time to eat my lunch two days in a row!

Time to do everything I needed to in my split class. For once, I didn't feel like a chicken with my head cut off. They're still a month behind where they should be but it's starting to feel salvageable.

Shiny new hair dryer! Looking forward to trying it out tonight.

The Daily Show and Colbert are back on this week and I finally had time after work today to start catching up.

Just one more day to go until a four day weekend.

Good Things Tuesday

My travel hair dryer. My normal dryer blew out on Sunday while I was only halfway through drying my hair. I thought I'd have to make an emergency shopping trip after work on Monday but then remembered that I have a travel one lying around. My bangs look like crap but it saved me some time.

My awesome grade ten class. They make me like what I do. It's the one class I look forward to every day and those kids give me the least grief. If it wasn't for them, this semester would be miserable.

Actually having time to eat my lunch today.

Parent interviews went more smoothly than expected. The one parent I was particularly nervous about, because she kind of laid into me a year and a half ago when I taught another one of her sons, didn't even remember meeting me before. She was lovely.

It was still light out when I drove home after 7:30.

I don't have too much planning to do tonight. It was hard enough to stay awake at 9 AM today, even harder now!

The email I got today with the subject line, "Your cruise countdown begins today!" We've got summer vacation plans (booked last week) and I can't wait!

Good Things Monday

DH and I have been catching up on Mad Men and in one of the last episodes of season 4, Peggy reminds Don of one of his advertising philosophies: if you don't like what people are saying about you, change the conversation. That resonated with me. It's time to change MY conversation. I need to refocus my thinking and my energy into positive things. I need to start being proactive about the things I'm unhappy with that I can change.

To that end, I decided to try a little experiment on the blog this week. Every day, I'm going to list at least five good things that have happened. My hope is that by the end of the week, I'll be paying more attention to those than to all the other junk that is going on that just drags me down. And maybe it'll motivate me to keep seeking out positive change.

So, good things that happpened today:

1. No surprise on-call during my prep, allowing me to finish what I needed to before I had to start teaching. I try not to leave much work that needs to be done for the same day's classes, just in case, but I really needed that time today.
2. One of my most obstinate grade ten students assigned himself a new seat today, did more work and participated more than he has been all semester. Progress reports went home on Friday and it looks like he actually gives a damn, despite his attitude to the contrary all this time.
3. I survived my grade nine class.
4. I didn't have to stay too long after school. Tomorrow will be a late day; we have parent-teacher interviews from 3:30 to 7:30 so this made me happy.
5. Dinner was not what I originally planned but it turned out really good.

I found this while looking for a good image to go with this post and I think it's perfect:

Mid-Week Randomness

I have a review of John Steinbeck's Cannery Row in the works but don't have the brainpower to knock it out today. Initially, I was only teaching part time this semester but as of yesterday, I am back to full time. This would normally be good news but so far, it is kicking my ass.

One of my classes is a split, so there are two separate courses running together. This particular combination is not at all a good one but it is what it is and it's mine until June. The split class is last period and it is exhausting. I finish one lesson only to turn around and teach another to the other half of the class. Some days, there is overlap and that helps but most of the time, there isn't. Now that I have two other classes to teach before I even get to that one (I have prep in the morning then teach straight through the rest of the day), I am DONE when that final bell goes.

To tide you over, some random updates:

• I started listening to the audio version of Little Princes by Conor Grennan. So far, I love it. I had held off on it because I thought it would be too similar to Three Cups of Tea, which I liked a lot. This may end up being even better.
• I also started reading Alice Munro's collection, Something I've Been Meaning to Tell You. She's one of my favourite writers but I'm not feeling this one yet.
• I did not get around to yoga last week. The plan was to do it over the weekend but I found out on Friday that I was getting those two new classes and spent the weekend planning...also being a bit lazy since it was a long weekend. I'm hoping to work it in this week.
• Still haven't ovulated, though I think I did get an actual positive OPK two days ago. WTF, body?!

I'll leave you with my weekday anthem...

Gong Shows and Bingo

You know when people give you tips about presentations, they always say to check equipment in advance to make sure that everything will work for you? Today, I became the poster child for the importance of doing just that. It was the first day of a new semester and I had a great introductory lesson planned with two PowerPoint slideshows. They even had comic strips. I had to supply before my own class so there was no time to set up the room beforehand. No matter, I thought. It would be fine. The students were going to be inspired! Motivated! They were going to love me!

It was a gong show.

The first time I tried to turn on the data projector, it wouldn't work because I had forgotten that it's on the circuit that has to be turned on separately from the main power (it's a science lab; we have a master control over the gas, water, and power so that the kids can't blow the place up). Once that was up and running, the projector wouldn't detect a signal from the computer. No matter what I tried, all we got was the blue screen saying "no signal." Not exactly inspirational. So, I did a song and dance at the whiteboard and the kids got off easy. Thankfully, they are a very forgiving bunch and we'll try it again tomorrow. Another teacher and I spent some time fixing it after school and I think we've got it. Fingers crossed!

Last month, one of the ladies in the book club that I belong to sent us a link to Random House's Reading Bingo Challenge. The idea is to get people reading more and reading more widely. They have a printable bingo card that looks like this (go to the linked page for the full sized version):

 

It's a different and interesting way to track your books for the year and maybe get some ideas for what to read next. Here's what my card looks like for the month of January and below that, the books associated with each square:

1. China Road, Rob Gifford

• a book I saw on TV
• a book from the library

2. A Storm of Swords, George R. R. Martin

• a book with more than 400 pages
• a book I saw someone reading (I used to have to confiscate these books from one of my students two years ago)

3. The Invention of Hugo Cabret, Brian Selznick

• a book from the library
• a book with pictures
• a book with more than 400 pages
• an award winning book (Caldecott Medal)

 My goal for February is to be able to knock off at least one more square that doesn't repeat the ones already taken.

What would your Bingo card look like for the year so far?