TTC Friday: Tick, Tick, BOOM

Well. Look at that.

It's hard to say what brought on this "normal" cycle. Could have been my body resetting itself after the chemical pregnancy. Could have been reduced stress levels/better management of stress thanks to Circle + Bloom. Could have been better eating habits (no skipping lunch this time), drinking more water each day, and taking my vitamins again. Could have been because it was Tuesday. Who knows. Whatever it was, I'm grateful for it because it's given me some hope and a real sense of a "fresh" start.


I got the call yesterday for my specialist appointment. DH and I both have to go in for the initial session, which will be on August 21st. I'm glad it's later because it'll give us some more time to mentally/emotionally prepare for it, and get in at least one more cycle on our own if this one is not it. My fingers are staying crossed that we won't need to keep that appointment.

Not too long ago, I came across this article about Khloe Kardashian where she discusses the speculation about her infertility. I feel for her (who'd have thought I'd ever say that about a Kardashian?!) because that is nobody's business and she shouldn't have to explain herself. Khloe's argument was that she's not dealing with infertility, her hormones are just off. My reaction when I read that was, "the denial is strong with this one." When you're being medicated and having monitoring ultrasounds...yeah, you're dealing with infertility.

The doctor I've been referred to specializes in REI - reproductive endocrinology and infertility. The receptionist at my doctor's office kept making reference to going to the "fertility clinic" every time I spoke to her on the phone. Each time I'd hear the terms "infertility" and "fertility clinic" I'd find myself feeling defensive and wanting to say, "wait! I'm not dealing with infertility here, I'm not going to the clinic for all that. I probably just have hormone issues." So, it seems Ms. Kardashian is not the only one with a touch of denial. I have been feeling better about this whole thing compared to last week (thank you for the supportive comments, by the way!) but these labels are something I will need to get my head around and come to terms with.

(In case you're wondering, the title of this post comes from the fact that my DH keeps calling Circle + Bloom "Circle and BOOM" so when I actually ovulated, that's what came to mind. Well, that and "boom goes the dynamite" but I think I'll save that one for a BFP!)

TTC Friday: Surreal

Where has the last month gone?! Work has been so busy that everything, blogging included, fell by the wayside. The school year is winding down now, though, and it's time to start catching up.

The last month has been somewhat surreal as far as TTC goes. When I last posted, I had just gotten a +OPK on CD64. Here's how that cycle turned out:

I was convinced during the entire LP (luteal phase) that my period was coming because everything felt like typical PMS. When I saw the temp spike on CD76, I remember thinking "WTF?"  but then it went back down and by CD78, I was sure my period would start the next day. It was the usual pattern. I had no plans to test at all and had already mentally checked out of cycle 6. Then my temp went back up and, well, you can see the rest.

I've been trying to come up with the right words to describe or explain those few days but  I can't quite get there. On the one hand, it is a relief to know that we can conceive and maybe it's a good sign that things are working. On the other hand, it still seems awfully cruel, after all this time, to have been given those few days and then have it taken away. Most of the time, DH and I are optimistic but some days (like today) are just hard.

Stress has been a big factor in my life this past semester and it's very possible that my last cycle was so long because of it. I'll never know for sure but it's likely. This cycle, I've started listening to the Circle + Bloom freebie recording to help manage the stress. It has worked wonders so far, though the jury is still out on what effect it may have on my cycle. I'm not sure I'm willing to spend the money on the full program but I do believe in their philosophy, and I have noticed positive changes since I started using the free download. School being out for the summer will go a long way toward relieving my stress too!

As I get further on in this cycle and (hopefully) closer to ovulation, the anxiety is starting to ramp up. Part of me wants to believe that we'll be able to get pregnant again really soon and another part of me is terrified that we'll lose it again. I hate that the excitement of getting a BFP is gone and it's now a source of fear.

We're also preparing ourselves for the 1 year mark next month. I saw my new family doctor this week and have been referred to a fertility clinic so I am waiting to hear back on that. My fingers are crossed that I won't need that appointment but nothing about this process has been that easy, so I'm not holding my breath. Now we begin the research into what's covered by our provincial health care plan/our own insurance and what's not. It's also time to start having those conversations we've been  putting off about how far we are willing to go with testing/treatment.

In my head, I always knew this was a possibility and I kow it's what needs to be done, but I still can't quite believe that we are here.

Review: What the Body Remembers

What the Body Remembers, Shauna Singh Baldwin
Rating: 3.0/.50

Here's a good example of how the TTC process can take a perfectly rational brain and turn it to mush. I read the part in the book's description about one of the main characters taking on a second wife because his first was unable to have children and thought, "hey, that sounds like something I can relate to! It would be right up my alley." Needless to say, that was a stupid idea. A really, really stupid idea.

It started off well; I really liked the first chapter. The writing was nice, almost poetic, and it drew me in. It was told from Satya's perspective, the first wife, and begins just as the second wife joins the family. I felt for her and wanted to know more. Unfortunately, the next chunk of the book switched perspectives (to that of the second wife) and went back in time about ten years. Things started to drag and when the narrative finally did return to Satya's POV, she had become much less sympathetic and the writing had become tedious. It was repetitive and seemed to be trying too hard at times. I could have made a drinking game out of certain lines that kept being repeated over and over.

Much of the time, getting through this novel felt like a slog, though this is not entirely the author's fault. Something so long (500+ pages) just isn't a good idea during the school year. Only being able to read a few pages a night before falling asleep is not ideal. On the other hand, I didn't particularly like any of the major characters, even though I did occasionally sympathize with them. The language also made it challenging - a lot of terms were used that I didn't know the meaning of and there was no glossary.

On the positive side: this turned out to be an appropriate follow-up to Committed since there is much discussion about the inequality between men and women and how women get the short end of the stick in marriage here. Also, all of the family drama is set against the backdrop of India during the partition. I knew a bit about it from my high school World Religions course but this novel approaches it from a Sikh perspective, which I knew next to nothing about. I ended up learning a lot more about what was going on in India during that time and about the Sikh religion.

TTC Friday: A New Record

It's about damn time:

(In case that's too tiny to read, it's a positive OPK on CD64)

I don't even have words for this anymore. Between this shit and the crap I'm dealing with at school on a daily basis, it's a miracle that I am still relatively sane.

Review: Committed

Committed: A Love Story, by Elizabeth Gilbert
Audiobook
Rating: 3.0/5.0

First of all, can we talk about the title of this book? Its original subtitle was "A Skeptic Makes Peace With Marriage." Between the time that I saved this book to my library wishlist and the time that I actually got around to reading it, it had changed to "A Love Story." I don't get the need for this, other than marketing. Considering that one of the most common criticisms of Committed is that it's not like Eat, Pray, Love, this seems to be deliberately misleading people. The original subtitle is far more accurate.

At the end of Eat, Pray, Love, Gilbert meets Felipe and the two fall in love. In Committed, they learn that if they want to live together in the United States, they are going to have to get married. As both of them are divorced and swore that they'd never remarry, this is not good news. Adrift in Southeast Asia while they wait for Felipe's fiance visa to be approved, Gilbert sets out to learn about marriage and to find a way to make peace with the idea of being married again. This is not a sequel to Eat, Pray, Love; the book is partially a memoir but is mostly a dissertation on marriage in a historical, social, and religious context.

It was an interesting read, especially against the backdrop of the same-sex marriage debate going on in the US. The people who argue against it like to argue that marriage has always been defined as being between a man and a woman, and that it's a sacred institution. As Gilbert discovered, none of that is true. In ancient Rome, for instance, it was perfectly legal for two men to marry when circumstances made it beneficial for them to do so. Most of the time, marriage was about politics or convencience. Not at all sacred. The church itself was initially against marriage altogether until it realized that people were going to do it anyway. Unable to prevent it, they began trying to control it instead.

Gilbert's research brought up several facts and ideas that I found interesting/thought-provoking:

• Western culture has a different view on the purpose of marriage than the rest of the world and we place a very high degree of importance in its role in our lives. We also tend to expect our spouse to be responsible for our own personal fulfillment. Not surprising, then, that we tend to be more unsatisfied and disappointed.
• The laws of coverture. Ridiculous.
• There is an actual genetic basis for the dad vs. cad theory. There is a particular male gene, the length of which can predispose a man to either father a child and take off (the cad), or stick around and raise his kids (the dad). 
• Seagulls mate for life. Who knew? But even among seagulls, there is a 25% "divorce" rate. I found it interesting that there is such a thing as a fundamental compatibility (or lack thereof) between individuals.
• Educated women tend to have more solid marriages. And in societies where women become financially independent, marriage is the first thing that changes. This is because a woman's "need" or motivation for marriage is lessened or removed.
• The Marriage-Benefit Imbalance. There is a study showing that while men benefit socially, physcologically, and physically from marriage, it has the opposite effect on women. When I tried to find more on this, I came across a series of articles on Psychology Today which debunk it instead. It starts here.

In addition to the research, Gilbert shares stories of her mother and grandmother's marriages. I enjoyed that and it was amazing to hear how much things changed in just one generation. The book was well written but did get repetitive at times. Also, as much as I like her, Gilbert came across as someone who, even after her journey in Eat, Pray, Love, is still insecure and worried about what people will think. There are many passages in the book where she'll make a statement and then, in anticipation of how someone might criticize or misinterpret her intentions, she'll qualify and defend it. That got annoying after a while. Finally, her entire premise was about making peace with her own second marriage but after laying out all of her research and reflections, Gilbert doesn't really discuss how she ultimately did make that decision to go forward and be ok with it. It just happens. I got to the end and felt like something was missing.

Overall, while it could have been better, the book was still a worthwile read. It was interesting and I learned some new things. It made me reflect on my own relationship and marriage.

TTC Friday: When Coworkers Need to STFU

One of the many things I didn't appreciate before TTC is all of the stupid, inappropriate things people say to women on the subect of TTC. They always mean well and I'm sure I've said my share of idiotic things too, but this is a subject that is best left alone unless you really know the person you are talking to.


Over the last couple of weeks, here's a sampling of what I've heard from one of my coworkers:

"When are you planning to have kids? You've been married for a while right?"
[Followed, of course, in the next breath by complaints about how her mother used to ask her that all the time and it drove her crazy]

"Don't wait too long to have kids. The older you get, the harder it is on your body." [She had twins at 38]

"How old are you? Seriously, just forget this teaching thing and go have kids. It's brutal when you're older."

It was no big deal at first, just casual conversation, but it is getting more persistent and really starting to irritate me. I'm now into month #10 and it's yet another long cycle - day 43 and still waiting for a positive OPK. The longer it drags on, the less patience I have for this crap.

I try to laugh it off and change the subject but what I'd really like to tell her is that it's pretty damn hard to do anything BUT wait and I'd appreciate NOT being reminded of the passage of time. I'd really like to tell her that my plans are none of her damn business. I'd really like to tell her that my body is giving me enough grief just trying to get pregnant, I don't need to hear how bad it'll be if I eventually do manage to get pregnant. And mostly...

Seriously. Why do people think this is ok?

Review: Dead as a Doornail

Dead as a Doornail, Charlaine Harris
Southern Vampire Mysteries #5 (aka the Sookie Stackhouse novels)
E-book
Rating: 3.0/5.0

If you haven't been reading the Sookie Stackhouse novels or watching True Blood (the show was inspired by these books), you are missing out. I'm not normally a fan of the vampire or supernatural genre but even I managed to get myself hooked!

Sookie Stackhouse is a bar waitress in Bon Temps, Louisiana. She's a nice, good looking Southern girl who also happens to be a telepath. Her "disability" leaves Sookie without many human friends, but with an inconvenient tendency to get drawn into the dealings of other supernatural beings in the area. In Sookie's world, vampires exist and are "out" to the general public. As the series progresses, we meet more "supes" but the main focus is usually on the vampires. Also, there is sexy time. In this installment, Sookie has to adjust to her brother's newfound supernatural tendencies and we learn more about the politics of shapeshifters. I'll leave it at that because I don't want to spoil the first four books.

These novels are meant to be light, easy reading and with your expectations calibrated accordingly, they are quite satisfying. Actually, up to this point, I thought Harris' writing was steadily getting better with each book. From that perspective, this one fell short. It felt like filler; things did happen but not as much compared to the previous novels. The pacing felt off. It was also shorter than I expected, which was great since things have been so busy, but also a little disappointing.

So, Dead as a Doornail is not my favourite in the series so far. But it's still a fun series and worth a try if you're looking for something easy and different.