Friday, June 28, 2013

TTC Friday: Tick, Tick, BOOM

Well. Look at that.

It's hard to say what brought on this "normal" cycle. Could have been my body resetting itself after the chemical pregnancy. Could have been reduced stress levels/better management of stress thanks to Circle + Bloom. Could have been better eating habits (no skipping lunch this time), drinking more water each day, and taking my vitamins again. Could have been because it was Tuesday. Who knows. Whatever it was, I'm grateful for it because it's given me some hope and a real sense of a "fresh" start.

I got the call yesterday for my specialist appointment. DH and I both have to go in for the initial session, which will be on August 21st. I'm glad it's later because it'll give us some more time to mentally/emotionally prepare for it, and get in at least one more cycle on our own if this one is not it. My fingers are staying crossed that we won't need to keep that appointment.

Not too long ago, I came across this article about Khloe Kardashian where she discusses the speculation about her infertility. I feel for her (who'd have thought I'd ever say that about a Kardashian?!) because that is nobody's business and she shouldn't have to explain herself. Khloe's argument was that she's not dealing with infertility, her hormones are just off. My reaction when I read that was, "the denial is strong with this one." When you're being medicated and having monitoring ultrasounds...yeah, you're dealing with infertility.

The doctor I've been referred to specializes in REI - reproductive endocrinology and infertility. The receptionist at my doctor's office kept making reference to going to the "fertility clinic" every time I spoke to her on the phone. Each time I'd hear the terms "infertility" and "fertility clinic" I'd find myself feeling defensive and wanting to say, "wait! I'm not dealing with infertility here, I'm not going to the clinic for all that. I probably just have hormone issues." So, it seems Ms. Kardashian is not the only one with a touch of denial. I have been feeling better about this whole thing compared to last week (thank you for the supportive comments, by the way!) but these labels are something I will need to get my head around and come to terms with.

(In case you're wondering, the title of this post comes from the fact that my DH keeps calling Circle + Bloom "Circle and BOOM" so when I actually ovulated, that's what came to mind. Well, that and "boom goes the dynamite" but I think I'll save that one for a BFP!)

Friday, June 21, 2013

TTC Friday: Surreal

Where has the last month gone?! Work has been so busy that everything, blogging included, fell by the wayside. The school year is winding down now, though, and it's time to start catching up.

The last month has been somewhat surreal as far as TTC goes. When I last posted, I had just gotten a +OPK on CD64. Here's how that cycle turned out:

I was convinced during the entire LP (luteal phase) that my period was coming because everything felt like typical PMS. When I saw the temp spike on CD76, I remember thinking "WTF?"  but then it went back down and by CD78, I was sure my period would start the next day. It was the usual pattern. I had no plans to test at all and had already mentally checked out of cycle 6. Then my temp went back up and, well, you can see the rest.

I've been trying to come up with the right words to describe or explain those few days but  I can't quite get there. On the one hand, it is a relief to know that we can conceive and maybe it's a good sign that things are working. On the other hand, it still seems awfully cruel, after all this time, to have been given those few days and then have it taken away. Most of the time, DH and I are optimistic but some days (like today) are just hard.

Stress has been a big factor in my life this past semester and it's very possible that my last cycle was so long because of it. I'll never know for sure but it's likely. This cycle, I've started listening to the Circle + Bloom freebie recording to help manage the stress. It has worked wonders so far, though the jury is still out on what effect it may have on my cycle. I'm not sure I'm willing to spend the money on the full program but I do believe in their philosophy, and I have noticed positive changes since I started using the free download. School being out for the summer will go a long way toward relieving my stress too!

As I get further on in this cycle and (hopefully) closer to ovulation, the anxiety is starting to ramp up. Part of me wants to believe that we'll be able to get pregnant again really soon and another part of me is terrified that we'll lose it again. I hate that the excitement of getting a BFP is gone and it's now a source of fear.

We're also preparing ourselves for the 1 year mark next month. I saw my new family doctor this week and have been referred to a fertility clinic so I am waiting to hear back on that. My fingers are crossed that I won't need that appointment but nothing about this process has been that easy, so I'm not holding my breath. Now we begin the research into what's covered by our provincial health care plan/our own insurance and what's not. It's also time to start having those conversations we've been  putting off about how far we are willing to go with testing/treatment.

In my head, I always knew this was a possibility and I kow it's what needs to be done, but I still can't quite believe that we are here.