Of Nausea and Prunes

The good news is that I'm still pregnant, chugging along at 5w5d.

The bad news is that "occasional bouts of queasiness" has turned into full on morning sickness. For the last few days, right around lunch time, the nausea would start and stick around for a few hours. At first I assumed it was because I was hungry but eating didn't help. And this morning, I was actually sick to my stomach. That one snuck up on me; I wasn't even feeling nauseated until suddenly, I was overwhelmingly so. Also, stewed prunes have recently become part of a complete breakfast. Those go great with the nausea...NOT.

So, in the span of a week, I've gone from feeling mostly ok to feeling mostly like this (though considerably less cute):

But I am not complaining. I will take whatever crap I need to take as long as it means baby is staying.

(Seriously, though, stewed prunes are gross.)

Working On My Fitness Part 2: Let's Get Physical

Note: You can find Part 1, discussing mental health, here. I promise that today's installment doesn't ramble as much!

Ok, I may not be as bad as Liz Lemon but my arms do need some serious work. Among other parts.

In terms of physical fitness, the original plan was to do a combination of yoga and Couch-2-5K. Both of those turned out to be a lost cause while school was still on. Once summer holidays began, we had a brutal heatwave and there was no way I was leaving the comfort of central air for that mess. Thanks to youtube, this became Plan B:

Keaira Leshae is fabulous. And that body! Damn, girl. This dance workout is pretty intense and I'm still not coordinated enough to get all the moves right, but it's fun. I've never really gotten into running on past attempts anyway, so I think I'm going to stick with this. Keaira has a bunch of other workouts that I'd also like to try at some point.

For most of July, I was alternating the above workout one day with yoga (still doing The Joy of Yoga by Crunch Fitness) the next day. This combination has been great for my abs, butt, and thighs - the major areas I am looking to tone up. Unfortunately, it doesn't work my upper arms the way I'd like; it hits the triceps but not the biceps, which is what I really need. We have some free weights at home so DH has been giving me suggestions for exercises I can add to my routine to help fill in that gap.

Before the cruise, I was just starting to see some tightening and muscle tone forming. I had more energy and was feeling good about my body. While we did a lot of walking on port days, I didn't end up mainting things as well as I'd hoped during the trip so the current goal is to get back on track. Once I'm back into the routine, I'll start incorporating DH's suggestions for the biceps.

If you have any suggestions for for workouts that might be fun to try, let me know!

PS: Over the next little while, I'll be giving the blog a makeover and updating/organzing the blogroll. Sorry if things start to look a little wonky!

Working On My Fitness Part I: Staying Sane

Note: This was originally intended to be one post discussing what I've been doing to manage both mental and physical health this summer. As it turns out, I'm a little longwinded so I've broken it up into two seperate posts. This one covers the mental health and Part 2 will discuss the physical. 

Remember way back in February, when I was trying to get motivated to exercise again? I had set a goal of doing yoga at least once a week and that didn't happen. I made it all the way to the end of the school year in no better shape than when I'd started. Combined with all of the emotional and physical stresses of the year, I was in considerably worse shape all around by June.

One of the things I've been doing to get back on track is something I've already mentioned: Circle + Bloom. This is a guided meditation that has been really helpful in managing stress, and getting my mind and body on the same page. I haven't really been doing it lately, just haven't felt the need, but I'm sure that once school starts again, I'll get back into it. My cycles have been more regular than ever since I started C+B but there's really no way to know that it's responsible, obviously. It has helped me stay relaxed and at the end of the day, that's the most important thing as far as my own sanity goes.

Aside from TTC, work had me really burned out this year. When you get classes that are well-behaved and everything runs smoothly, teaching is a great job. More often than not, it doesn't turn out that way. I had a couple of really challenging classes this year (grade 9s that were below grade level, behaviour issues all around, a split class that was basically two different courses in one period) and as a school community, we were hit hard by various issues (a threat right before Christmas break, a few suicides) that had to be managed very carefully. By the end of the school year, I didn't want anything to do with it anymore. Naturally, that meant it was a good time to dig myself deeper.

Right after the school year was over, I began taking an online course. It was an Additional Qualification course in special ed. It was more intense than I'd expected it to be and at first, I thought I'd lost my mind going straight into that when all I wanted to do was stop thinking about work! In the end, though, it turned out to be exactly what I needed. The discussions with other teachers put some of my own issues into perspective, made me feel better about some of what I was doing in the classroom (it can feel very isolating at times so it's always nice to hear that others have had the same issues), and gave me strategies to try in the future. I've also been participating in the Facebook group for teachers in my region, which has had a similar effect. Spending this time reflecting on work and building up resources has actually been a very good thing. I can't say I'm going back to school completely rejuvinated and inspired, but I'm certainly going back feeling a lot more prepared and capable than I felt in June.

One positive aspect of work and my course was that they served as an effective distraction from TTC troubles. Now that both are over, I'm trying to make an effort to fill my time with other things so that I don't end up on the couch, just ruminating. Deep cleaning parts of the house and organizing all of my teaching materials should take me through the rest of the break. I also gave in and created a Pinterest account yesterday, which has been filling my head with all kinds of inspiring ideas I'll probably never get around to.

So, for now, it's all about knocking some projects off the To Do list, getting inspired for future projects, and using C+B as needed to help keep the anxiety and stress levels in check. Blogging and having a good support system offline has been helpful. I still lurk on The Bump occasionally but there are times when I just need to avoid it, and that's ok. Once the new school year begins, there will probably be some more juggling until I find another new balance but so far, so good.

TTC Friday: Surreal

Where has the last month gone?! Work has been so busy that everything, blogging included, fell by the wayside. The school year is winding down now, though, and it's time to start catching up.

The last month has been somewhat surreal as far as TTC goes. When I last posted, I had just gotten a +OPK on CD64. Here's how that cycle turned out:

I was convinced during the entire LP (luteal phase) that my period was coming because everything felt like typical PMS. When I saw the temp spike on CD76, I remember thinking "WTF?"  but then it went back down and by CD78, I was sure my period would start the next day. It was the usual pattern. I had no plans to test at all and had already mentally checked out of cycle 6. Then my temp went back up and, well, you can see the rest.

I've been trying to come up with the right words to describe or explain those few days but  I can't quite get there. On the one hand, it is a relief to know that we can conceive and maybe it's a good sign that things are working. On the other hand, it still seems awfully cruel, after all this time, to have been given those few days and then have it taken away. Most of the time, DH and I are optimistic but some days (like today) are just hard.

Stress has been a big factor in my life this past semester and it's very possible that my last cycle was so long because of it. I'll never know for sure but it's likely. This cycle, I've started listening to the Circle + Bloom freebie recording to help manage the stress. It has worked wonders so far, though the jury is still out on what effect it may have on my cycle. I'm not sure I'm willing to spend the money on the full program but I do believe in their philosophy, and I have noticed positive changes since I started using the free download. School being out for the summer will go a long way toward relieving my stress too!

As I get further on in this cycle and (hopefully) closer to ovulation, the anxiety is starting to ramp up. Part of me wants to believe that we'll be able to get pregnant again really soon and another part of me is terrified that we'll lose it again. I hate that the excitement of getting a BFP is gone and it's now a source of fear.

We're also preparing ourselves for the 1 year mark next month. I saw my new family doctor this week and have been referred to a fertility clinic so I am waiting to hear back on that. My fingers are crossed that I won't need that appointment but nothing about this process has been that easy, so I'm not holding my breath. Now we begin the research into what's covered by our provincial health care plan/our own insurance and what's not. It's also time to start having those conversations we've been  putting off about how far we are willing to go with testing/treatment.

In my head, I always knew this was a possibility and I kow it's what needs to be done, but I still can't quite believe that we are here.

TTC Friday: Saturday Edition

Things have been pretty quiet on the TTC front around the blog lately. There's not much left to say on the subject. When I last posted, I mentioned that the frustration was starting affect other areas of my life and I felt like I needed to take a step back. That has turned out to be the best decision I could have made.

As the months kept passing by and my cycles kept dragging on, it took up more and more mental and emotional space. I was thinking about it and worrying about it more often than not. Work, as I've mentioned many times before, has been stressful this semester and I wasn't handling it as well as I could have because my energy was focused elsewhere. It was getting to the point where I was getting behind with marking and giving up on dealing with some classroom issues; I just didn't feel up to it. Hormones being all over the place didn't help either. When I found myself starting to think bitter things like "I have bigger things to worry about right now than a bunch of immature kids acting like brats," I realized that a line had to be drawn. I was not proud of the job I'd been doing and it was exhausting feeling perpetually behind, never making progress. I don't want my students to remember me as the teacher who was tired all the time and didn't seem to want to be there. That was when I started the Good Things project.

I decided to focus on the fact that, according to my ultrasound and blood tests (however ill-timed they might have been), things are fine. I'd keep charting, temping, and doing all of the things I usually do, but I was not going to think about it beyond what was necessary. I'd start appreciating all of the things that were going right rather than focus on the one big thing that was going wrong. Letting go of that weight has been such a relief. For the first time since the semester began, I feel like I'm in control and on top of things. I'm still a bit behind but it doesn't feel like a bottomless pit anymore. I'm smiling more in class again and am putting more into my lessons again beyond just what is needed to get through each day. I am also more appreciative of my collegues; they are probably also dealing with personal things that the rest of us have no idea about and it is probably not easy for them either.

In the back of my mind, I still wonder how much longer this is going to take. I still wonder what we're going to do when we hit that one year mark. I still wonder if there is something wrong. None of worries have magically disappeared. But those worries are exactly where they need to be right now: the back of my mind.

To The Left, To The Left

A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about my fitness goals and tried to come up with a plan. I haven't really followed up on that post because, unfortunately, there is nothing to follow up. No progress has been made yet at all.

I've complained mentioned frequently that my current semester is kicking my ass. Initially, I only had the one class and for those two weeks of part-time teaching, life was wonderful. After going back to full-time, I kissed that life goodbye again. When I had the time to exercise, I didn't have the energy and vice versa. It is kind of sad, though, that my goal was to do yoga just ONCE a week, I couldn't manage that. Even sadder, now that March Break is coming up (two more days!!) -- when I'll have a week to work on my fitness -- I actually physically can't.

Those of you who know me offline are probably sick of hearing about that time I was sick over Christmas holidays but, seriously, I was SICK. It was a knock-down, dragout, horrible time. Even after the ear infection cleared up, the remnant sniffles and cough lasted through much of February. The coughing was starting to wear on my muscles near my left rib cage and over this past weekend, one strong sneeze sent those muscles into a spasm that left me laid up on the living room floor for two hours. According to the doctor who checked me out after I was able to get up again, there is likely damage to one of the ligaments in between my left ribs and it may take up to ten weeks to heal. Awesome. And no stretching because it will just aggravate things. So, now that I am finally about to have both the time and the energy to something, I'm not allowed.

What I'm wondering is, what the hell is up with the left side of my body?! The ear infection was in my left ear. My potential cyst is on the left ovary. And now this. What have I done to make that half of my body hate me so?

TTC Friday: Getting Some Answers

Another week, a few more almost positive OPKs, one actual positive OPK, and still no sign of ovulation. The fun continues. [insert sarcastises here]

The DH needed to order something from Amazon earlier in the week so I had him add a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility to the order. I had borrowed it from the library when I first read it and I've been wanting to refer back to parts of it ever since, so it was time to pony up and buy it. It arrived two days ago and I've been skimming through it for some insight.

Based on TCOYF, I'm 95% sure my issues are a combination of post-birth control regulating and a follicular cyst (or some other type, but follicular seems to be the most likely type for my situation). This is considered a "functional cyst," meaning that it usually doesn't cause serious issues and resolves itself over time. These types of cysts are more common in women whose hormones are starting to go haywire as they approach menopause so when they occur in someone my age (pushing 30), they can be a cause for concern, particularly when TTC.

The plan was to get this checked out over March Break, which is in another two weeks. In the process of trying to schedule that, I learned that my doctor is retiring and is already phasing in his replacement. If I want an appointment, a) none are available for physicals until April and b) I can't see him anymore. This is not good news. My family doctor has been amazing over the years and when I had a gyno issue a few years back, completely unrelated to any of this, he handled it wonderfully. He knows my history and my family history since he saw my parents too. He used to deliver babies. The man knows what he is doing when it comes to women's health, which is rare for a family doctor. There is no one else I'd truly be comfortable with going to about all of this.

In the end, he took pity on me and was able to fit me in this coming Monday afternoon. If he finds signs of a problem, he'll refer me to a gynecologist and that will be that. I'll be grateful to finally have something concrete to go on and maybe a plan. I'm also a bit overwhelmed by the prospect of having to change doctors when all of this is going on and by the prospect of potentially having a diagnosis. It's so much easier to speculate and talk to yourself into believing that you just need to wait it out a little longer, it's probably no big deal. Putting a label on it and having to deal with it is a whole other story. I will handle it, if there is something that needs to be handled, but I am still not sure that I'm ready to actually hear it.

TTC Friday: Stalking My Own Chart

Like last time, here's a warning for those of you who don't care to know what my lady parts are up to: potential TMI ahead. Come back next week to see my review of Bossypants.

Two weeks ago, I was dealing with unexpected spotting and speculating on potential issues. The spotting stopped after a couple of days but unfortunately, the speculation continues. Here's what my chart looks like for this cycle:

There are several things wrong here:

• My period  is shorter and lighter than it has ever been, including while on birth control. It may not be a problem but it is unusual. On the plus side, I'm not spotting for days afterward anymore.
• The spotting from CD14 - 17 (hasn't happened since that crazy long first post-pill cycle)
• The crazy amount of fertile CM
• The lack of +OPK and temperature shift (those crosshairs are lying)
• If you could see the boxes with my symptoms, you'd see that I've checked off "ovulation pain" nearly every day since CD9. It's that weird pain I described before.

Taken individually, none of these things mean much but all of them in one cycle would seem to indicate an issue. In my last post, I was speculating about low progesterone and cysts. Since then, I've done a lot more reading and am pretty sure that I had the progesterone thing backwards. It's not a lack of progesterone that my chart is indicating, it's an excess of estrogen. I've had an estrogen dominant cycle before and this particulary cycle has some of the hallmarks of that one, so it wouldn't be surprising. As for cysts, I'm still not sure. My mom has a history of them so I'm not ruling that out yet.

The OPKs have been interesting this cycle. I started using them during my second cycle after birth control, when I hit CD30 again without a temp spike. I wanted to seee if my body was gearing up to ovulate multiple times before actually succeeding. So far, I'd only seen one surge and it's been followed by a temp spike just as it should. This cycle, however, the test line has faded in until it was almost positive once a week for the last three weeks, most recently just yesterday, and it has led nowhere. Where Fertility Friend has placed those crosshairs, CD21, coincides with one of the almost positive OPKs and the temp spike on CD23 had me excited until the next morning. Now, I don't know what to think.

All in all, this has just been a very messed up cycle. I don't know if estrogen alone could cause all of this. Maybe that combined with illness and the antibiotics that I took through the second half of last cycle? I didn't think antibiotics could wreak this much havoc. This certainly isn't the longest I've gone without ovulating yet, but it's so disappointing and frustrating to have thought that things were finally back to normal only to have my body decide to change things up again. 

A crazy newbie on The Bump recently posted, to those of us that were frustrated about this process, that it's all good because hey, the trying is fun.

 

In another two weeks, I'll be into month #8. I'll still be on cycle 5. My hormones will still be janked. This shit stopped being fun a long time ago.

[By the way, I did decide to talk to my doctor about all of this when I go for a physical, which I'm overdue for anyway. But actually getting an appointment has turned into a whole separate set of frustrations, which is another post for another day. Not a good time to retire, doc!]

Working It Out

Since we started TTC, the husband and I have made good changes to our eating habits. Not that they were too bad before, but we have benefited from adding more fruits and vegetables into our meals, switching to whole grains instead of refined, cutting back on processed foods, and drinking more water (which I need to keep working on).

There's just one more little thing...

My body is in desperate need of exercise. Last year, I taught at a much larger school and had to climb three flights of stairs multiple times a day -- without air conditioning for most of May and June. It was not pleasant but my lower body looked awesome at the end of the semester! Then summer came and it all went to hell.

I swore I'd start working out in August, but it didn't happen. When I started teaching full time again in November, I got access to the school's weight room and swore I'd start then. It didn't happen. The new year...nope. In my own defense, I blame that last one on being really sick. The point is, something needs to change. I can't keep making excuses.

In terms of fitness goals, I don't necessarily want to lose weight, though I am currently 5-10 lbs over my ideal so that would be a bonus. Mostly, I would just like to get toned again. My muscles are lacking the definition they used to have and they're crying out for a good stretch.

My plan is to return to my old standby, yoga. I've been using this video (just The Joy of Yoga, not the other one) since high school and it's still my go-to workout. Every now and then, I throw this one into the mix for a more intense, longer set. In addition to the yoga, I'd like to try the Couch to 5K program. I've never been a big fan of running so it'll be a challenge, but I think that's a good thing. Ultimately, I'd love to be able to run a half marathon but for now, just the 5K will be a big accomplishment!

In the short term, I need to work on making time for this. The running is going to have to wait until the weather improves, but there's no excuse for skipping the yoga. So, my goal for now is to do yoga at least once by the end of this week. Just once. Baby steps, right?