They say that there is a magical time (also known as the Second Trimester) when the nausea goes away and energy returns. I am very eagerly anticipating this magical time because right now, I am a useless lump.
On Thursday, we had our viability scan with the RE. It didn't go exactly like I'd expected but the important thing is that all is well so far. We saw the yolk sac and fetal pole on the ultrasound, and a beautiful flickering heart beat. It still blows my mind that there's a little creature in there with a beating heart!
We didn't get a picture; Doctor P. said he doesn't give them out this early (I was 6w1d at the time) because everything is too small. We also didn't get any measurements. They prefer to just check to make sure that everything that should be there at this stage is there and wait until later on to start measuring. This seemed odd to me but it all went so fast I didn't have a chance to question it. I am supposed to go back in two weeks for another scan and at that time, they will do all of the measurements and give us pictures to keep. I thought I was supposed to be done with the clinic after the initial scan so this was a surprise, but I'm not going to complain about another opportunity to see our bean!
If I am done with the clinic after that 8 week scan, I'm not really sure what happens next. I've contacted the two midwife clinics in my city and am on the waiting list with both of them but it doesn't look good. The demand in my area is much higher than the supply and one of the clinics I spoke with already had 30 women waiting with May due dates. I will most likely be stuck with my GP until the time comes to refer me to an OB.
For the time being, we wait - for the next scan, for midwife call, for me to start feeling somewhat normal again. Turns out, that game doesn't end with a +HPT ;)
Showing posts with label frustrations. Show all posts
Showing posts with label frustrations. Show all posts
Sunday, October 6, 2013
Friday, June 21, 2013
TTC Friday: Surreal
Where has the last month gone?! Work has been so busy that everything, blogging included, fell by the wayside. The school year is winding down now, though, and it's time to start catching up.
The last month has been somewhat surreal as far as TTC goes. When I last posted, I had just gotten a +OPK on CD64. Here's how that cycle turned out:
I was convinced during the entire LP (luteal phase) that my period was coming because everything felt like typical PMS. When I saw the temp spike on CD76, I remember thinking "WTF?" but then it went back down and by CD78, I was sure my period would start the next day. It was the usual pattern. I had no plans to test at all and had already mentally checked out of cycle 6. Then my temp went back up and, well, you can see the rest.
I've been trying to come up with the right words to describe or explain those few days but I can't quite get there. On the one hand, it is a relief to know that we can conceive and maybe it's a good sign that things are working. On the other hand, it still seems awfully cruel, after all this time, to have been given those few days and then have it taken away. Most of the time, DH and I are optimistic but some days (like today) are just hard.
Stress has been a big factor in my life this past semester and it's very possible that my last cycle was so long because of it. I'll never know for sure but it's likely. This cycle, I've started listening to the Circle + Bloom freebie recording to help manage the stress. It has worked wonders so far, though the jury is still out on what effect it may have on my cycle. I'm not sure I'm willing to spend the money on the full program but I do believe in their philosophy, and I have noticed positive changes since I started using the free download. School being out for the summer will go a long way toward relieving my stress too!
As I get further on in this cycle and (hopefully) closer to ovulation, the anxiety is starting to ramp up. Part of me wants to believe that we'll be able to get pregnant again really soon and another part of me is terrified that we'll lose it again. I hate that the excitement of getting a BFP is gone and it's now a source of fear.
We're also preparing ourselves for the 1 year mark next month. I saw my new family doctor this week and have been referred to a fertility clinic so I am waiting to hear back on that. My fingers are crossed that I won't need that appointment but nothing about this process has been that easy, so I'm not holding my breath. Now we begin the research into what's covered by our provincial health care plan/our own insurance and what's not. It's also time to start having those conversations we've been putting off about how far we are willing to go with testing/treatment.
In my head, I always knew this was a possibility and I kow it's what needs to be done, but I still can't quite believe that we are here.
The last month has been somewhat surreal as far as TTC goes. When I last posted, I had just gotten a +OPK on CD64. Here's how that cycle turned out:
I've been trying to come up with the right words to describe or explain those few days but I can't quite get there. On the one hand, it is a relief to know that we can conceive and maybe it's a good sign that things are working. On the other hand, it still seems awfully cruel, after all this time, to have been given those few days and then have it taken away. Most of the time, DH and I are optimistic but some days (like today) are just hard.
Stress has been a big factor in my life this past semester and it's very possible that my last cycle was so long because of it. I'll never know for sure but it's likely. This cycle, I've started listening to the Circle + Bloom freebie recording to help manage the stress. It has worked wonders so far, though the jury is still out on what effect it may have on my cycle. I'm not sure I'm willing to spend the money on the full program but I do believe in their philosophy, and I have noticed positive changes since I started using the free download. School being out for the summer will go a long way toward relieving my stress too!
As I get further on in this cycle and (hopefully) closer to ovulation, the anxiety is starting to ramp up. Part of me wants to believe that we'll be able to get pregnant again really soon and another part of me is terrified that we'll lose it again. I hate that the excitement of getting a BFP is gone and it's now a source of fear.
We're also preparing ourselves for the 1 year mark next month. I saw my new family doctor this week and have been referred to a fertility clinic so I am waiting to hear back on that. My fingers are crossed that I won't need that appointment but nothing about this process has been that easy, so I'm not holding my breath. Now we begin the research into what's covered by our provincial health care plan/our own insurance and what's not. It's also time to start having those conversations we've been putting off about how far we are willing to go with testing/treatment.
In my head, I always knew this was a possibility and I kow it's what needs to be done, but I still can't quite believe that we are here.
Friday, May 17, 2013
TTC Friday: A New Record
It's about damn time:
I don't even have words for this anymore. Between this shit and the crap I'm dealing with at school on a daily basis, it's a miracle that I am still relatively sane.
(In case that's too tiny to read, it's a positive OPK on CD64)
I don't even have words for this anymore. Between this shit and the crap I'm dealing with at school on a daily basis, it's a miracle that I am still relatively sane.
Friday, April 26, 2013
TTC Friday: When Coworkers Need to STFU
One of the many things I didn't appreciate before TTC is all of the stupid, inappropriate things people say to women on the subect of TTC. They always mean well and I'm sure I've said my share of idiotic things too, but this is a subject that is best left alone unless you really know the person you are talking to.
Over the last couple of weeks, here's a sampling of what I've heard from one of my coworkers:
"When are you planning to have kids? You've been married for a while right?"
[Followed, of course, in the next breath by complaints about how her mother used to ask her that all the time and it drove her crazy]
"Don't wait too long to have kids. The older you get, the harder it is on your body." [She had twins at 38]
"How old are you? Seriously, just forget this teaching thing and go have kids. It's brutal when you're older."
It was no big deal at first, just casual conversation, but it is getting more persistent and really starting to irritate me. I'm now into month #10 and it's yet another long cycle - day 43 and still waiting for a positive OPK. The longer it drags on, the less patience I have for this crap.
I try to laugh it off and change the subject but what I'd really like to tell her is that it's pretty damn hard to do anything BUT wait and I'd appreciate NOT being reminded of the passage of time. I'd really like to tell her that my plans are none of her damn business. I'd really like to tell her that my body is giving me enough grief just trying to get pregnant, I don't need to hear how bad it'll be if I eventually do manage to get pregnant. And mostly...
Seriously. Why do people think this is ok?
Saturday, April 6, 2013
TTC Friday: Saturday Edition
Things have been pretty quiet on the TTC front around the blog lately. There's not much left to say on the subject. When I last posted, I mentioned that the frustration was starting affect other areas of my life and I felt like I needed to take a step back. That has turned out to be the best decision I could have made.
As the months kept passing by and my cycles kept dragging on, it took up more and more mental and emotional space. I was thinking about it and worrying about it more often than not. Work, as I've mentioned many times before, has been stressful this semester and I wasn't handling it as well as I could have because my energy was focused elsewhere. It was getting to the point where I was getting behind with marking and giving up on dealing with some classroom issues; I just didn't feel up to it. Hormones being all over the place didn't help either. When I found myself starting to think bitter things like "I have bigger things to worry about right now than a bunch of immature kids acting like brats," I realized that a line had to be drawn. I was not proud of the job I'd been doing and it was exhausting feeling perpetually behind, never making progress. I don't want my students to remember me as the teacher who was tired all the time and didn't seem to want to be there. That was when I started the Good Things project.
I decided to focus on the fact that, according to my ultrasound and blood tests (however ill-timed they might have been), things are fine. I'd keep charting, temping, and doing all of the things I usually do, but I was not going to think about it beyond what was necessary. I'd start appreciating all of the things that were going right rather than focus on the one big thing that was going wrong. Letting go of that weight has been such a relief. For the first time since the semester began, I feel like I'm in control and on top of things. I'm still a bit behind but it doesn't feel like a bottomless pit anymore. I'm smiling more in class again and am putting more into my lessons again beyond just what is needed to get through each day. I am also more appreciative of my collegues; they are probably also dealing with personal things that the rest of us have no idea about and it is probably not easy for them either.
In the back of my mind, I still wonder how much longer this is going to take. I still wonder what we're going to do when we hit that one year mark. I still wonder if there is something wrong. None of worries have magically disappeared. But those worries are exactly where they need to be right now: the back of my mind.
As the months kept passing by and my cycles kept dragging on, it took up more and more mental and emotional space. I was thinking about it and worrying about it more often than not. Work, as I've mentioned many times before, has been stressful this semester and I wasn't handling it as well as I could have because my energy was focused elsewhere. It was getting to the point where I was getting behind with marking and giving up on dealing with some classroom issues; I just didn't feel up to it. Hormones being all over the place didn't help either. When I found myself starting to think bitter things like "I have bigger things to worry about right now than a bunch of immature kids acting like brats," I realized that a line had to be drawn. I was not proud of the job I'd been doing and it was exhausting feeling perpetually behind, never making progress. I don't want my students to remember me as the teacher who was tired all the time and didn't seem to want to be there. That was when I started the Good Things project.
I decided to focus on the fact that, according to my ultrasound and blood tests (however ill-timed they might have been), things are fine. I'd keep charting, temping, and doing all of the things I usually do, but I was not going to think about it beyond what was necessary. I'd start appreciating all of the things that were going right rather than focus on the one big thing that was going wrong. Letting go of that weight has been such a relief. For the first time since the semester began, I feel like I'm in control and on top of things. I'm still a bit behind but it doesn't feel like a bottomless pit anymore. I'm smiling more in class again and am putting more into my lessons again beyond just what is needed to get through each day. I am also more appreciative of my collegues; they are probably also dealing with personal things that the rest of us have no idea about and it is probably not easy for them either.
In the back of my mind, I still wonder how much longer this is going to take. I still wonder what we're going to do when we hit that one year mark. I still wonder if there is something wrong. None of worries have magically disappeared. But those worries are exactly where they need to be right now: the back of my mind.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
TTC Friday: Sunday Edition
Alternate title: Unremarkable.
It's been a while since I posted anything of substance (The Virgin Suicides review is coming, I promise!) and a longer while since the last TTC Friday update. I reached a point where I needed a break from thinking/talking/writing/reading about it. The stress and frustration has started to affect other areas of my life, including work, and I needed to take a step back.
Over the break, I went for a pelvic ultrasound to check for cysts. The clinic said that my doctor's office would have the results within two days. Not so much. After sweating it out for a full week, all I got was "unremarkable." My insides are unremarkable. No cysts, or anything else out of the ordinary. Great. Then WTF, body?
This is exactly what I was afraid would happen, that I'd end up back at square one. I don't really even know what to do anymore beyond continuing what we're already doing and waiting. After a full year, I can try to get referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, who may be able to give me more insight. Or maybe I need to accept that this is my "normal" now. I don't know. Tomorrow begins month #9. Cycle 6 started just over a week ago. I'm over this whole thing.
It's been a while since I posted anything of substance (The Virgin Suicides review is coming, I promise!) and a longer while since the last TTC Friday update. I reached a point where I needed a break from thinking/talking/writing/reading about it. The stress and frustration has started to affect other areas of my life, including work, and I needed to take a step back.
Over the break, I went for a pelvic ultrasound to check for cysts. The clinic said that my doctor's office would have the results within two days. Not so much. After sweating it out for a full week, all I got was "unremarkable." My insides are unremarkable. No cysts, or anything else out of the ordinary. Great. Then WTF, body?
This is exactly what I was afraid would happen, that I'd end up back at square one. I don't really even know what to do anymore beyond continuing what we're already doing and waiting. After a full year, I can try to get referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, who may be able to give me more insight. Or maybe I need to accept that this is my "normal" now. I don't know. Tomorrow begins month #9. Cycle 6 started just over a week ago. I'm over this whole thing.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
To The Left, To The Left
A couple of weeks ago, I wrote about my fitness goals and tried to come up with a plan. I haven't really followed up on that post because, unfortunately, there is nothing to follow up. No progress has been made yet at all.
I'vecomplained mentioned frequently that my current semester is kicking my ass. Initially, I only had the one class and for those two weeks of part-time teaching, life was wonderful. After going back to full-time, I kissed that life goodbye again. When I had the time to exercise, I didn't have the energy and vice versa. It is kind of sad, though, that my goal was to do yoga just ONCE a week, I couldn't manage that. Even sadder, now that March Break is coming up (two more days!!) -- when I'll have a week to work on my fitness -- I actually physically can't.
Those of you who know me offline are probably sick of hearing about that time I was sick over Christmas holidays but, seriously, I was SICK. It was a knock-down, dragout, horrible time. Even after the ear infection cleared up, the remnant sniffles and cough lasted through much of February. The coughing was starting to wear on my muscles near my left rib cage and over this past weekend, one strong sneeze sent those muscles into a spasm that left me laid up on the living room floor for two hours. According to the doctor who checked me out after I was able to get up again, there is likely damage to one of the ligaments in between my left ribs and it may take up to ten weeks to heal. Awesome. And no stretching because it will just aggravate things. So, now that I am finally about to have both the time and the energy to something, I'm not allowed.
What I'm wondering is, what the hell is up with the left side of my body?! The ear infection was in my left ear. My potential cyst is on the left ovary. And now this. What have I done to make that half of my body hate me so?
I've
Those of you who know me offline are probably sick of hearing about that time I was sick over Christmas holidays but, seriously, I was SICK. It was a knock-down, dragout, horrible time. Even after the ear infection cleared up, the remnant sniffles and cough lasted through much of February. The coughing was starting to wear on my muscles near my left rib cage and over this past weekend, one strong sneeze sent those muscles into a spasm that left me laid up on the living room floor for two hours. According to the doctor who checked me out after I was able to get up again, there is likely damage to one of the ligaments in between my left ribs and it may take up to ten weeks to heal. Awesome. And no stretching because it will just aggravate things. So, now that I am finally about to have both the time and the energy to something, I'm not allowed.
What I'm wondering is, what the hell is up with the left side of my body?! The ear infection was in my left ear. My potential cyst is on the left ovary. And now this. What have I done to make that half of my body hate me so?
Friday, March 1, 2013
TTC Friday: Validation
On Monday, I saw my doctor for a pelvic exam to address the issues I've been complaining writing about for the last few weeks. Last weekend was very emotional and I was having a hard time preparing myself for what I may find out. In the end, I felt stupid for getting so worked up about it. I left the exam feeling more relieved than anything else.
After showing him my charts and describing everything I'd been feeling, he finally got around to the actual pelvic. When he palpated my lower abdomen externally, I didn't feel anything. He started the internal check and on the right side, I still didn't feel anything. I was starting to think this was going to be a bust but when he moved to the left side, yikes. In one of my previous posts, I'd mentioned that the angry combination of sensations has always been on the left. Sure enough, it was the left ovary that was very tender. The doc has requisitioned a pelvic ultrasound to check for/confirm a cyst on that ovary. I'll be going in for that over March Break and we'll go from there.
The doctor also did bloodwork. I had been planning to ask him to check my thyroid levels, which he did. But he also noted LH and FSH on the form. When I tried to diplomatically suggest that perhaps CD39 wasn't the best day for those (knowing full well that it is not), his response was, "if they're out of whack, they're out of whack." Oy. I haven't heard anything yet, though, so either they haven't gotten the results back or they don't see anything wrong -- which would be interesting since my LH was actually surging at the time, according to my OPKs.
It would appear that I've surpassed the limits of my doctor's knowledge of women's health that I'd talked up so much before, but aside from that, I actually came away from this appointment feeling more relaxed about things. It's still frustrating to know that something's not right but I feel validated; my instincts told me that something was wrong and that there might be a cyst. It is looking very much like that's the case. A lot of uncertainty has been removed from the equation and so many things that I've noticed on my chart since September are making sense now. If it is in fact a follicular cyst, there's still not really anything I can do but at least I now know why I feel like crap for weeks at a time. That helps. It's not much to go on but it's a start. I'll take it.
It didn't start out that way. At first, it was frustrating because when I started to tell my doctor that I've been having long, irregular cycles since stopping birth control, his response was the exact opposite of what I'd expected. He asked when I went off the pill and why. Considering that I made an appointment with him at the time to discuss it and the notes from that session are in my chart, this was a stupid question. Then he started to lecture me about how it's not an instant process when you're 30-ish and when conception occurs, blah blah blah.
Um, thanks?
After showing him my charts and describing everything I'd been feeling, he finally got around to the actual pelvic. When he palpated my lower abdomen externally, I didn't feel anything. He started the internal check and on the right side, I still didn't feel anything. I was starting to think this was going to be a bust but when he moved to the left side, yikes. In one of my previous posts, I'd mentioned that the angry combination of sensations has always been on the left. Sure enough, it was the left ovary that was very tender. The doc has requisitioned a pelvic ultrasound to check for/confirm a cyst on that ovary. I'll be going in for that over March Break and we'll go from there.
The doctor also did bloodwork. I had been planning to ask him to check my thyroid levels, which he did. But he also noted LH and FSH on the form. When I tried to diplomatically suggest that perhaps CD39 wasn't the best day for those (knowing full well that it is not), his response was, "if they're out of whack, they're out of whack." Oy. I haven't heard anything yet, though, so either they haven't gotten the results back or they don't see anything wrong -- which would be interesting since my LH was actually surging at the time, according to my OPKs.
It would appear that I've surpassed the limits of my doctor's knowledge of women's health that I'd talked up so much before, but aside from that, I actually came away from this appointment feeling more relaxed about things. It's still frustrating to know that something's not right but I feel validated; my instincts told me that something was wrong and that there might be a cyst. It is looking very much like that's the case. A lot of uncertainty has been removed from the equation and so many things that I've noticed on my chart since September are making sense now. If it is in fact a follicular cyst, there's still not really anything I can do but at least I now know why I feel like crap for weeks at a time. That helps. It's not much to go on but it's a start. I'll take it.
Friday, February 22, 2013
TTC Friday: Getting Some Answers
Another week, a few more almost positive OPKs, one actual positive OPK, and still no sign of ovulation. The fun continues. [insert sarcastises here]
The DH needed to order something from Amazon earlier in the week so I had him add a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility to the order. I had borrowed it from the library when I first read it and I've been wanting to refer back to parts of it ever since, so it was time to pony up and buy it. It arrived two days ago and I've been skimming through it for some insight.
Based on TCOYF, I'm 95% sure my issues are a combination of post-birth control regulating and a follicular cyst (or some other type, but follicular seems to be the most likely type for my situation). This is considered a "functional cyst," meaning that it usually doesn't cause serious issues and resolves itself over time. These types of cysts are more common in women whose hormones are starting to go haywire as they approach menopause so when they occur in someone my age (pushing 30), they can be a cause for concern, particularly when TTC.
The plan was to get this checked out over March Break, which is in another two weeks. In the process of trying to schedule that, I learned that my doctor is retiring and is already phasing in his replacement. If I want an appointment, a) none are available for physicals until April and b) I can't see him anymore. This is not good news. My family doctor has been amazing over the years and when I had a gyno issue a few years back, completely unrelated to any of this, he handled it wonderfully. He knows my history and my family history since he saw my parents too. He used to deliver babies. The man knows what he is doing when it comes to women's health, which is rare for a family doctor. There is no one else I'd truly be comfortable with going to about all of this.
In the end, he took pity on me and was able to fit me in this coming Monday afternoon. If he finds signs of a problem, he'll refer me to a gynecologist and that will be that. I'll be grateful to finally have something concrete to go on and maybe a plan. I'm also a bit overwhelmed by the prospect of having to change doctors when all of this is going on and by the prospect of potentially having a diagnosis. It's so much easier to speculate and talk to yourself into believing that you just need to wait it out a little longer, it's probably no big deal. Putting a label on it and having to deal with it is a whole other story. I will handle it, if there is something that needs to be handled, but I am still not sure that I'm ready to actually hear it.
The DH needed to order something from Amazon earlier in the week so I had him add a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility to the order. I had borrowed it from the library when I first read it and I've been wanting to refer back to parts of it ever since, so it was time to pony up and buy it. It arrived two days ago and I've been skimming through it for some insight.
Based on TCOYF, I'm 95% sure my issues are a combination of post-birth control regulating and a follicular cyst (or some other type, but follicular seems to be the most likely type for my situation). This is considered a "functional cyst," meaning that it usually doesn't cause serious issues and resolves itself over time. These types of cysts are more common in women whose hormones are starting to go haywire as they approach menopause so when they occur in someone my age (pushing 30), they can be a cause for concern, particularly when TTC.
The plan was to get this checked out over March Break, which is in another two weeks. In the process of trying to schedule that, I learned that my doctor is retiring and is already phasing in his replacement. If I want an appointment, a) none are available for physicals until April and b) I can't see him anymore. This is not good news. My family doctor has been amazing over the years and when I had a gyno issue a few years back, completely unrelated to any of this, he handled it wonderfully. He knows my history and my family history since he saw my parents too. He used to deliver babies. The man knows what he is doing when it comes to women's health, which is rare for a family doctor. There is no one else I'd truly be comfortable with going to about all of this.
In the end, he took pity on me and was able to fit me in this coming Monday afternoon. If he finds signs of a problem, he'll refer me to a gynecologist and that will be that. I'll be grateful to finally have something concrete to go on and maybe a plan. I'm also a bit overwhelmed by the prospect of having to change doctors when all of this is going on and by the prospect of potentially having a diagnosis. It's so much easier to speculate and talk to yourself into believing that you just need to wait it out a little longer, it's probably no big deal. Putting a label on it and having to deal with it is a whole other story. I will handle it, if there is something that needs to be handled, but I am still not sure that I'm ready to actually hear it.
Friday, February 15, 2013
TTC Friday: Stalking My Own Chart
Like last time, here's a warning for those of you who don't care to know what my lady parts are up to: potential TMI ahead. Come back next week to see my review of Bossypants.
Two weeks ago, I was dealing with unexpected spotting and speculating on potential issues. The spotting stopped after a couple of days but unfortunately, the speculation continues. Here's what my chart looks like for this cycle:
There are several things wrong here:
The OPKs have been interesting this cycle. I started using them during my second cycle after birth control, when I hit CD30 again without a temp spike. I wanted to seee if my body was gearing up to ovulate multiple times before actually succeeding. So far, I'd only seen one surge and it's been followed by a temp spike just as it should. This cycle, however, the test line has faded in until it was almost positive once a week for the last three weeks, most recently just yesterday, and it has led nowhere. Where Fertility Friend has placed those crosshairs, CD21, coincides with one of the almost positive OPKs and the temp spike on CD23 had me excited until the next morning. Now, I don't know what to think.
All in all, this has just been a very messed up cycle. I don't know if estrogen alone could cause all of this. Maybe that combined with illness and the antibiotics that I took through the second half of last cycle? I didn't think antibiotics could wreak this much havoc. This certainly isn't the longest I've gone without ovulating yet, but it's so disappointing and frustrating to have thought that things were finally back to normal only to have my body decide to change things up again.
A crazy newbie on The Bump recently posted, to those of us that were frustrated about this process, that it's all good because hey, the trying is fun.
In another two weeks, I'll be into month #8. I'll still be on cycle 5. My hormones will still be janked. This shit stopped being fun a long time ago.
[By the way, I did decide to talk to my doctor about all of this when I go for a physical, which I'm overdue for anyway. But actually getting an appointment has turned into a whole separate set of frustrations, which is another post for another day. Not a good time to retire, doc!]
Two weeks ago, I was dealing with unexpected spotting and speculating on potential issues. The spotting stopped after a couple of days but unfortunately, the speculation continues. Here's what my chart looks like for this cycle:
- My period is shorter and lighter than it has ever been, including while on birth control. It may not be a problem but it is unusual. On the plus side, I'm not spotting for days afterward anymore.
- The spotting from CD14 - 17 (hasn't happened since that crazy long first post-pill cycle)
- The crazy amount of fertile CM
- The lack of +OPK and temperature shift (those crosshairs are lying)
- If you could see the boxes with my symptoms, you'd see that I've checked off "ovulation pain" nearly every day since CD9. It's that weird pain I described before.
The OPKs have been interesting this cycle. I started using them during my second cycle after birth control, when I hit CD30 again without a temp spike. I wanted to seee if my body was gearing up to ovulate multiple times before actually succeeding. So far, I'd only seen one surge and it's been followed by a temp spike just as it should. This cycle, however, the test line has faded in until it was almost positive once a week for the last three weeks, most recently just yesterday, and it has led nowhere. Where Fertility Friend has placed those crosshairs, CD21, coincides with one of the almost positive OPKs and the temp spike on CD23 had me excited until the next morning. Now, I don't know what to think.
All in all, this has just been a very messed up cycle. I don't know if estrogen alone could cause all of this. Maybe that combined with illness and the antibiotics that I took through the second half of last cycle? I didn't think antibiotics could wreak this much havoc. This certainly isn't the longest I've gone without ovulating yet, but it's so disappointing and frustrating to have thought that things were finally back to normal only to have my body decide to change things up again.
A crazy newbie on The Bump recently posted, to those of us that were frustrated about this process, that it's all good because hey, the trying is fun.
In another two weeks, I'll be into month #8. I'll still be on cycle 5. My hormones will still be janked. This shit stopped being fun a long time ago.
[By the way, I did decide to talk to my doctor about all of this when I go for a physical, which I'm overdue for anyway. But actually getting an appointment has turned into a whole separate set of frustrations, which is another post for another day. Not a good time to retire, doc!]
Friday, February 1, 2013
Schrodinger's Uterus
Once you start the TTC journey (that's Trying to Conceive, for the uninitiated), things that once seemed TMI start to become routine. Over six months into it, not much is TMI anymore. Those of you who still have your boundaries in tact, consider yourselves warned. What follows may be TMI. If you don't want to know what latest form of mindfuckery my lady parts are up to, come back next week when we'll be discussing Reading Bingo.
So. My body. Weird things are happening.
Last week, I wrote about the fact that over the last six months, I've had four cycles. After stopping the birth control pill at the end of July, my body went through a phase where it couldn't quite get its act together. That first post-pill cycle lasted 61 days. Irritating but aside from the length and some spotting halfway through, it seemed mostly normal. The cycle that followed was not pleasant. It was shorter, at 44 days, but the time leading up to ovulation was a mess. I had symptoms of estrogen dominance: extremely emotional, fybrocystic and very sore breasts, more fertile cervical fluid than would make sense, headaches, you name it, I was feeling it. I did eventually ovulate and things were fine after that. Cycle #3 was normal and almost back to normal length (37 days). The last cycle was even closer to normal, at 35 days, which surprised me given how sick I was, how much medication I'd taken, and that I'd started antibiotics just before ovulation. All seemed right with the world again.
Until now.
Today is CD15 of cycle #5. Yesterday, I had an OPK (ovulation prediction kit) that was thisclose to being positive. A full week earlier than expected, but whatever. Then I started bleeding. Yesterday, it was just spotting. Today, it's more than that but not enough to be considered flow. What?! I do know that ovulatory spotting or bleeding is not unusual but it sure as hell is unusual for me!
I've had a few suspicions since I began charting and temping about possible issues but not wanting to borrow trouble, I kept talking myself out of being concerned. It could just be that my hormones are still off. I've been suspicious of low progesterone on a couple of those cycles. If I am actually ovulating right now, this could be further evidence of that.
The other possibility, the one that I'm starting to think is more likely, is the presence of cysts. I've had some weird pains leading up to ovulation during every post-pill cycle except the first. This is not the dull-ache that everyone talks about. This is a combination of pinching, pulling, and cramping that feels like my insides are angry or like something is trying to claw its way out from the inside. It's always on the left. Sometimes, there's pinching on the right too but the majority is concentrated on the left each time. I've been feeling that these last few days, too, but since the bleeding started, that has stopped.
What really freaks me out, whether it's a rational worry or not, is that both the estrogen dominance and mid-cycle spotting are supposed to be more common in women entering menopause.
Right now, I don't know what to do with all of this information. It could very well be nothing other than my body still readjusting. I really, really want it to be nothing. But I have no way of knowing for sure until I see a doctor and if there actually is a problem, I'm not sure that I'm ready to hear it.
Last week, I wrote about the fact that over the last six months, I've had four cycles. After stopping the birth control pill at the end of July, my body went through a phase where it couldn't quite get its act together. That first post-pill cycle lasted 61 days. Irritating but aside from the length and some spotting halfway through, it seemed mostly normal. The cycle that followed was not pleasant. It was shorter, at 44 days, but the time leading up to ovulation was a mess. I had symptoms of estrogen dominance: extremely emotional, fybrocystic and very sore breasts, more fertile cervical fluid than would make sense, headaches, you name it, I was feeling it. I did eventually ovulate and things were fine after that. Cycle #3 was normal and almost back to normal length (37 days). The last cycle was even closer to normal, at 35 days, which surprised me given how sick I was, how much medication I'd taken, and that I'd started antibiotics just before ovulation. All seemed right with the world again.
Until now.
Today is CD15 of cycle #5. Yesterday, I had an OPK (ovulation prediction kit) that was thisclose to being positive. A full week earlier than expected, but whatever. Then I started bleeding. Yesterday, it was just spotting. Today, it's more than that but not enough to be considered flow. What?! I do know that ovulatory spotting or bleeding is not unusual but it sure as hell is unusual for me!
I've had a few suspicions since I began charting and temping about possible issues but not wanting to borrow trouble, I kept talking myself out of being concerned. It could just be that my hormones are still off. I've been suspicious of low progesterone on a couple of those cycles. If I am actually ovulating right now, this could be further evidence of that.
The other possibility, the one that I'm starting to think is more likely, is the presence of cysts. I've had some weird pains leading up to ovulation during every post-pill cycle except the first. This is not the dull-ache that everyone talks about. This is a combination of pinching, pulling, and cramping that feels like my insides are angry or like something is trying to claw its way out from the inside. It's always on the left. Sometimes, there's pinching on the right too but the majority is concentrated on the left each time. I've been feeling that these last few days, too, but since the bleeding started, that has stopped.
What really freaks me out, whether it's a rational worry or not, is that both the estrogen dominance and mid-cycle spotting are supposed to be more common in women entering menopause.
Right now, I don't know what to do with all of this information. It could very well be nothing other than my body still readjusting. I really, really want it to be nothing. But I have no way of knowing for sure until I see a doctor and if there actually is a problem, I'm not sure that I'm ready to hear it.
Friday, January 25, 2013
The Honeymoon is Over
This week, I knocked off my first two books of 2013. Work has been so busy since school started up again that this feels like a major accomplishment! Reviews will be coming in the next few days. In the meantime...
For our honeymoon, my husband and I went to Hawaii. We spent a few days on Oahu then cruised around the islands onboard the Pride of America. It was incredible. Our first time in Hawaii, our first cruise, being newlweds, everything about it was wonderful. We came back trying to convince everyone we knew that they had to go to Hawaii. This month, one of our mutual friends made the same trip. He's been posting pictures this week and while they are beautiful, I've been finding that looking at them just makes me sad.
We got married three and a half years ago. I'd just finished school. The whole world felt like it was full of possibilities. A new career ahead, a new life ahead with my husband, full of all kinds of plans and dreams. Fast forward to now and while some things are the way I'd planned, many things are not. I look at our friend's pictures and a part of me is happy for him, but an even bigger part of me just sees everything that didn't turn out like I'd hoped and wants to have a pity party.
I feel silly thinking like this because, in the grand scheme of things, we've been very blessed and are doing fine. But while I know that in my head, I still can't help feeling disappointed. It feels like time is passing but we're just spinning our wheels. A lot of it is work related. Neither of us are particularly happy with our work situations, for various reasons. Changing either of our situations is complicated, though, and in the current economy, very challenging.
A large part of it is also related to our family plans. We've been trying to have a baby since last July. Today marks the beginning of month #7. Every time the month count goes up, it stings a little. I naively thought that I'd finish my birth control, we'd start knocking boots on the regular, and after a few cycles, bam! Pregnant. In reality, it's now been six full months. In that time, my body has been through four cycles. Only three of those had good timing because we were both sick during the last one, so it was a complete wash. Six months. Three kicks at the can. It's now been almost a month since I got sick and I'm not convinced that my ear infection is completely gone, so this cycle is up in the air too. The hell?!
Charting has been a saviour during this time because I can see that things appear to be working as they should be, though delayed, but it is getting frustrating. I'm a planner and I like to be in control of things but this is a situation that I have very little control over. My body will do what it's going to do, whether it's hormone issues or illness, and I can only do so much to help it along. Most of the time, it's a matter of
waiting. Endless waiting. And in the meantime, any other plans we might want to make are up in the air because everything rests on "am I going to be pregnant/will we have a baby by then?" There is so much about the emotional parts of this process that I wish I had known from the beginning.
Again, I feel silly thinking like this because I know that there are many women out there who have been trying for far longer than we have, who have more difficulties than we have had so far, and who have experienced losses. I know that it could be so much worse and so much harder. I absolutely do not mean to be insensitive to that or compare my situation to that. I know it's totally not the same. But this is where we are and what we're experiencing, and on milestone days like today, it is hard.
One of the ladies from the The Bump forums (which have been keeping me sane) recently blogged about the same subject and she said it perfectly: "the unknown waiting every month of TTC is slowly eroding who I used to be." I look at those pictures of Hawaii and wish I could have that naive happiness and optimism back.
For our honeymoon, my husband and I went to Hawaii. We spent a few days on Oahu then cruised around the islands onboard the Pride of America. It was incredible. Our first time in Hawaii, our first cruise, being newlweds, everything about it was wonderful. We came back trying to convince everyone we knew that they had to go to Hawaii. This month, one of our mutual friends made the same trip. He's been posting pictures this week and while they are beautiful, I've been finding that looking at them just makes me sad.
We got married three and a half years ago. I'd just finished school. The whole world felt like it was full of possibilities. A new career ahead, a new life ahead with my husband, full of all kinds of plans and dreams. Fast forward to now and while some things are the way I'd planned, many things are not. I look at our friend's pictures and a part of me is happy for him, but an even bigger part of me just sees everything that didn't turn out like I'd hoped and wants to have a pity party.
I feel silly thinking like this because, in the grand scheme of things, we've been very blessed and are doing fine. But while I know that in my head, I still can't help feeling disappointed. It feels like time is passing but we're just spinning our wheels. A lot of it is work related. Neither of us are particularly happy with our work situations, for various reasons. Changing either of our situations is complicated, though, and in the current economy, very challenging.
A large part of it is also related to our family plans. We've been trying to have a baby since last July. Today marks the beginning of month #7. Every time the month count goes up, it stings a little. I naively thought that I'd finish my birth control, we'd start knocking boots on the regular, and after a few cycles, bam! Pregnant. In reality, it's now been six full months. In that time, my body has been through four cycles. Only three of those had good timing because we were both sick during the last one, so it was a complete wash. Six months. Three kicks at the can. It's now been almost a month since I got sick and I'm not convinced that my ear infection is completely gone, so this cycle is up in the air too. The hell?!
Charting has been a saviour during this time because I can see that things appear to be working as they should be, though delayed, but it is getting frustrating. I'm a planner and I like to be in control of things but this is a situation that I have very little control over. My body will do what it's going to do, whether it's hormone issues or illness, and I can only do so much to help it along. Most of the time, it's a matter of
waiting. Endless waiting. And in the meantime, any other plans we might want to make are up in the air because everything rests on "am I going to be pregnant/will we have a baby by then?" There is so much about the emotional parts of this process that I wish I had known from the beginning.
Again, I feel silly thinking like this because I know that there are many women out there who have been trying for far longer than we have, who have more difficulties than we have had so far, and who have experienced losses. I know that it could be so much worse and so much harder. I absolutely do not mean to be insensitive to that or compare my situation to that. I know it's totally not the same. But this is where we are and what we're experiencing, and on milestone days like today, it is hard.
One of the ladies from the The Bump forums (which have been keeping me sane) recently blogged about the same subject and she said it perfectly: "the unknown waiting every month of TTC is slowly eroding who I used to be." I look at those pictures of Hawaii and wish I could have that naive happiness and optimism back.
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