TTC Friday: My Wish

Doesn't it feel like I start every post with an apology for being MIA? This is one is no exception! I have so many things waiting in the wings to be written about, just haven't had the time. I will be playing catch-up again next week but for now, something short and sweet...

A friend who was TTC a few years ago found a song that she'd use to help her every time CD1 came around and after she had her baby boy, it became "their" song. It was Michael Buble's Just Haven't Met You Yet. I loved that, but never really found a song that conveyed the same thing for me.

A few days ago, I got this Rascal Flatts song stuck in my head and everytime I got the part of the chorus that goes, "while you're out there getting where you're getting to, I hope you know somebody loves you..." I started to get a little choked up. Call it PMS hormones or whatever, but this is my song:

My wish for you

Is that this life becomes all that you want it to

Your dreams stay big

Your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you

And wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

TTC Friday: The Ball, It Is Rolling

On Wednesday morning, we had our first appointment with the REI (Reproductive Endocrinology and Infertility) specialist. We spent more time sitting around waiting than we did actually talking with the doctor, but things went well and we're now on the path to IF testing.

Before we met the doctor, we met one of the fellows who works with him (the clinic is at a hospital) and she took both of our histories, including details about my cycles. She took that information to the doctor, they reviewed it together, then both came back to discuss with DH and me. I was expecting to get a pelvic exam or ultrasound as well but they didn't ask. I don't know if it was because they already had that information from when I had them done in Feb/March (they did make reference to the u/s results at one point), or the timing, or if they just don't do that during consults at all.

The doctor told us the same thing I'd read in one of my TTC books: after trying unsuccessfully for one year, 40% of the time, it's a male issue and 40% of the time, it's a female issue. He said that based on my history over the past year, he suspects PCOS, but won't say for sure until after all of the testing is done. I had thought that the fact that I'm still ovulating each cycle would be significant but it didn't seem to be. I got the impression that egg quality could be an issue given the delayed ovulation in most cycles, though the doctor didn't explicitly say that. He did say that based on all of the information he has so far, the goal will be to get me ovulating properly. I'm totally onboard with that!

As I had suspected going into the appointment, the timing wasn't ideal for any testing this cycle. The plan is to wait until next the next cycle begins, then go in for CD3 bloodwork, an HSG somewhere around CD7-10, and 7dpo bloodwork. The DH also got a requisition for a semen analysis, which is all the lucky bugger needs to do and he was able to schedule that for next week. Once all of the results are back, the doctor will bring us back in and we'll discuss where to go from there. I'm hoping, though, that I'll be able to call and get the results of the individual tests before that meeting. It would be nice to have a rough idea of where we're at without having to wait that long! The semen analysis results alone could eleminate 40% of the worry.

We both came away from the appointment feeling good about it. We both liked the doctor, Dr. P, who was very friendly and very empathetic to our situation. One of the things I'd been concerned about was what happens if we were to conceive again before we were actually getting treatment. The family doctor doesn't typically see people very early and they don't do anything beyond a urine test, but I'd like to know what's going on given what happened last time. Before I could even ask about this, Dr. P said that if I should happen to get pregnant again before we made it to the testing, to call and ask for a beta draw so that they could monitor it. When I told him that this was the exact thing I'd been wondering, his response was, "Of course we'll look after it. You're a part of the family now." I don't think we could have asked for better than that.

Working On My Fitness Part I: Staying Sane

Note: This was originally intended to be one post discussing what I've been doing to manage both mental and physical health this summer. As it turns out, I'm a little longwinded so I've broken it up into two seperate posts. This one covers the mental health and Part 2 will discuss the physical. 

Remember way back in February, when I was trying to get motivated to exercise again? I had set a goal of doing yoga at least once a week and that didn't happen. I made it all the way to the end of the school year in no better shape than when I'd started. Combined with all of the emotional and physical stresses of the year, I was in considerably worse shape all around by June.

One of the things I've been doing to get back on track is something I've already mentioned: Circle + Bloom. This is a guided meditation that has been really helpful in managing stress, and getting my mind and body on the same page. I haven't really been doing it lately, just haven't felt the need, but I'm sure that once school starts again, I'll get back into it. My cycles have been more regular than ever since I started C+B but there's really no way to know that it's responsible, obviously. It has helped me stay relaxed and at the end of the day, that's the most important thing as far as my own sanity goes.

Aside from TTC, work had me really burned out this year. When you get classes that are well-behaved and everything runs smoothly, teaching is a great job. More often than not, it doesn't turn out that way. I had a couple of really challenging classes this year (grade 9s that were below grade level, behaviour issues all around, a split class that was basically two different courses in one period) and as a school community, we were hit hard by various issues (a threat right before Christmas break, a few suicides) that had to be managed very carefully. By the end of the school year, I didn't want anything to do with it anymore. Naturally, that meant it was a good time to dig myself deeper.

Right after the school year was over, I began taking an online course. It was an Additional Qualification course in special ed. It was more intense than I'd expected it to be and at first, I thought I'd lost my mind going straight into that when all I wanted to do was stop thinking about work! In the end, though, it turned out to be exactly what I needed. The discussions with other teachers put some of my own issues into perspective, made me feel better about some of what I was doing in the classroom (it can feel very isolating at times so it's always nice to hear that others have had the same issues), and gave me strategies to try in the future. I've also been participating in the Facebook group for teachers in my region, which has had a similar effect. Spending this time reflecting on work and building up resources has actually been a very good thing. I can't say I'm going back to school completely rejuvinated and inspired, but I'm certainly going back feeling a lot more prepared and capable than I felt in June.

One positive aspect of work and my course was that they served as an effective distraction from TTC troubles. Now that both are over, I'm trying to make an effort to fill my time with other things so that I don't end up on the couch, just ruminating. Deep cleaning parts of the house and organizing all of my teaching materials should take me through the rest of the break. I also gave in and created a Pinterest account yesterday, which has been filling my head with all kinds of inspiring ideas I'll probably never get around to.

So, for now, it's all about knocking some projects off the To Do list, getting inspired for future projects, and using C+B as needed to help keep the anxiety and stress levels in check. Blogging and having a good support system offline has been helpful. I still lurk on The Bump occasionally but there are times when I just need to avoid it, and that's ok. Once the new school year begins, there will probably be some more juggling until I find another new balance but so far, so good.

TTC Friday: Still Chugging Along

The good news on the TTC front is that I've now had two normal length cycles in a row - this last one was the shortest so far, at 33 days. The bad news is that I'm still not pregnant. And I'm still not convinced that my body is totally fine either. Back in the fall, I had two cycles that were on the shorter side and I got my hopes up, but it all went to hell again from there. Nothing has been a reliable predictor, unfortunately.

In the meantime, DH and I have our first appointment with the REI specialist next Wednesday. How I feel about it changes multiple times a day. Part of me is nervous about it and dreading having to go through all of the testing. There, too, I'm torn between being afraid of the results and being afraid of an "unexplained" diagnosis. Part of me is disappointed that we're at this point in the process; it feels like a failure, or like giving up. Yet another part of me just wants to get this show on the road and get a plan in place, to start making some kind of progress. It's a strange, confusing, frustrating place to be.

The cruise we took last week was a fantastic getaway and helped us unwind from all of the stresses of the past year, which was the whole point, but the last couple of days were bitterwseet. Just the fact that we were on the cruise in the first place was a bit of a kick in the pants. We had gone on an Alaskan cruise last summer that was intended to be our last big trip before we started TTC and we naively expected to be either pregnant or with a new baby by now. Instead, I woke up to a couple more BFNs on Thursday and Friday morning, and we sat in our lounge chairs figuring out how to get DH out of work for the REI appointment. It also became evident those last couple of days that this process is really starting to wear on DH, too. I think that the longer it takes, the more he starts to worry that he is the problem. He's also getting tired of the endless waiting and the emotional roller coaster of each cycle, which I completely understand.

Despite all of the worries and fears, I think it will be a good thing to have a sense of direction and some kind of plan in place. At the very least, it will be great to finally talk to a doctor who doesn't need me to explain to him why androgen levels in my blood might be useful to check and that androgens are not actually progesterone (my new family doctor and I are not destined for a long-term relationship). There will probably be a lot more waiting - I'll be on CD11 so blood work will likely have to wait until next cycle - but this kind of waiting feels more productive and less like we're drifting in the wind.

For those three short days back in June when I was pregnant, I had this sense of happiness and peace that I can't explain but that I desperately want to get back. If all of this will get us there, then it's worth it. I just have to keep telling myself that.

TTC Friday: Tick, Tick, BOOM

Well. Look at that.

It's hard to say what brought on this "normal" cycle. Could have been my body resetting itself after the chemical pregnancy. Could have been reduced stress levels/better management of stress thanks to Circle + Bloom. Could have been better eating habits (no skipping lunch this time), drinking more water each day, and taking my vitamins again. Could have been because it was Tuesday. Who knows. Whatever it was, I'm grateful for it because it's given me some hope and a real sense of a "fresh" start.


I got the call yesterday for my specialist appointment. DH and I both have to go in for the initial session, which will be on August 21st. I'm glad it's later because it'll give us some more time to mentally/emotionally prepare for it, and get in at least one more cycle on our own if this one is not it. My fingers are staying crossed that we won't need to keep that appointment.

Not too long ago, I came across this article about Khloe Kardashian where she discusses the speculation about her infertility. I feel for her (who'd have thought I'd ever say that about a Kardashian?!) because that is nobody's business and she shouldn't have to explain herself. Khloe's argument was that she's not dealing with infertility, her hormones are just off. My reaction when I read that was, "the denial is strong with this one." When you're being medicated and having monitoring ultrasounds...yeah, you're dealing with infertility.

The doctor I've been referred to specializes in REI - reproductive endocrinology and infertility. The receptionist at my doctor's office kept making reference to going to the "fertility clinic" every time I spoke to her on the phone. Each time I'd hear the terms "infertility" and "fertility clinic" I'd find myself feeling defensive and wanting to say, "wait! I'm not dealing with infertility here, I'm not going to the clinic for all that. I probably just have hormone issues." So, it seems Ms. Kardashian is not the only one with a touch of denial. I have been feeling better about this whole thing compared to last week (thank you for the supportive comments, by the way!) but these labels are something I will need to get my head around and come to terms with.

(In case you're wondering, the title of this post comes from the fact that my DH keeps calling Circle + Bloom "Circle and BOOM" so when I actually ovulated, that's what came to mind. Well, that and "boom goes the dynamite" but I think I'll save that one for a BFP!)

TTC Friday: Surreal

Where has the last month gone?! Work has been so busy that everything, blogging included, fell by the wayside. The school year is winding down now, though, and it's time to start catching up.

The last month has been somewhat surreal as far as TTC goes. When I last posted, I had just gotten a +OPK on CD64. Here's how that cycle turned out:

I was convinced during the entire LP (luteal phase) that my period was coming because everything felt like typical PMS. When I saw the temp spike on CD76, I remember thinking "WTF?"  but then it went back down and by CD78, I was sure my period would start the next day. It was the usual pattern. I had no plans to test at all and had already mentally checked out of cycle 6. Then my temp went back up and, well, you can see the rest.

I've been trying to come up with the right words to describe or explain those few days but  I can't quite get there. On the one hand, it is a relief to know that we can conceive and maybe it's a good sign that things are working. On the other hand, it still seems awfully cruel, after all this time, to have been given those few days and then have it taken away. Most of the time, DH and I are optimistic but some days (like today) are just hard.

Stress has been a big factor in my life this past semester and it's very possible that my last cycle was so long because of it. I'll never know for sure but it's likely. This cycle, I've started listening to the Circle + Bloom freebie recording to help manage the stress. It has worked wonders so far, though the jury is still out on what effect it may have on my cycle. I'm not sure I'm willing to spend the money on the full program but I do believe in their philosophy, and I have noticed positive changes since I started using the free download. School being out for the summer will go a long way toward relieving my stress too!

As I get further on in this cycle and (hopefully) closer to ovulation, the anxiety is starting to ramp up. Part of me wants to believe that we'll be able to get pregnant again really soon and another part of me is terrified that we'll lose it again. I hate that the excitement of getting a BFP is gone and it's now a source of fear.

We're also preparing ourselves for the 1 year mark next month. I saw my new family doctor this week and have been referred to a fertility clinic so I am waiting to hear back on that. My fingers are crossed that I won't need that appointment but nothing about this process has been that easy, so I'm not holding my breath. Now we begin the research into what's covered by our provincial health care plan/our own insurance and what's not. It's also time to start having those conversations we've been  putting off about how far we are willing to go with testing/treatment.

In my head, I always knew this was a possibility and I kow it's what needs to be done, but I still can't quite believe that we are here.

TTC Friday: A New Record

It's about damn time:

(In case that's too tiny to read, it's a positive OPK on CD64)

I don't even have words for this anymore. Between this shit and the crap I'm dealing with at school on a daily basis, it's a miracle that I am still relatively sane.

TTC Friday: When Coworkers Need to STFU

One of the many things I didn't appreciate before TTC is all of the stupid, inappropriate things people say to women on the subect of TTC. They always mean well and I'm sure I've said my share of idiotic things too, but this is a subject that is best left alone unless you really know the person you are talking to.


Over the last couple of weeks, here's a sampling of what I've heard from one of my coworkers:

"When are you planning to have kids? You've been married for a while right?"
[Followed, of course, in the next breath by complaints about how her mother used to ask her that all the time and it drove her crazy]

"Don't wait too long to have kids. The older you get, the harder it is on your body." [She had twins at 38]

"How old are you? Seriously, just forget this teaching thing and go have kids. It's brutal when you're older."

It was no big deal at first, just casual conversation, but it is getting more persistent and really starting to irritate me. I'm now into month #10 and it's yet another long cycle - day 43 and still waiting for a positive OPK. The longer it drags on, the less patience I have for this crap.

I try to laugh it off and change the subject but what I'd really like to tell her is that it's pretty damn hard to do anything BUT wait and I'd appreciate NOT being reminded of the passage of time. I'd really like to tell her that my plans are none of her damn business. I'd really like to tell her that my body is giving me enough grief just trying to get pregnant, I don't need to hear how bad it'll be if I eventually do manage to get pregnant. And mostly...

Seriously. Why do people think this is ok?

TTC Friday: Saturday Edition

Things have been pretty quiet on the TTC front around the blog lately. There's not much left to say on the subject. When I last posted, I mentioned that the frustration was starting affect other areas of my life and I felt like I needed to take a step back. That has turned out to be the best decision I could have made.

As the months kept passing by and my cycles kept dragging on, it took up more and more mental and emotional space. I was thinking about it and worrying about it more often than not. Work, as I've mentioned many times before, has been stressful this semester and I wasn't handling it as well as I could have because my energy was focused elsewhere. It was getting to the point where I was getting behind with marking and giving up on dealing with some classroom issues; I just didn't feel up to it. Hormones being all over the place didn't help either. When I found myself starting to think bitter things like "I have bigger things to worry about right now than a bunch of immature kids acting like brats," I realized that a line had to be drawn. I was not proud of the job I'd been doing and it was exhausting feeling perpetually behind, never making progress. I don't want my students to remember me as the teacher who was tired all the time and didn't seem to want to be there. That was when I started the Good Things project.

I decided to focus on the fact that, according to my ultrasound and blood tests (however ill-timed they might have been), things are fine. I'd keep charting, temping, and doing all of the things I usually do, but I was not going to think about it beyond what was necessary. I'd start appreciating all of the things that were going right rather than focus on the one big thing that was going wrong. Letting go of that weight has been such a relief. For the first time since the semester began, I feel like I'm in control and on top of things. I'm still a bit behind but it doesn't feel like a bottomless pit anymore. I'm smiling more in class again and am putting more into my lessons again beyond just what is needed to get through each day. I am also more appreciative of my collegues; they are probably also dealing with personal things that the rest of us have no idea about and it is probably not easy for them either.

In the back of my mind, I still wonder how much longer this is going to take. I still wonder what we're going to do when we hit that one year mark. I still wonder if there is something wrong. None of worries have magically disappeared. But those worries are exactly where they need to be right now: the back of my mind.

TTC Friday: Sunday Edition

Alternate title: Unremarkable.

It's been a while since I posted anything of substance (The Virgin Suicides review is coming, I promise!) and a longer while since the last TTC Friday update. I reached a point where I needed a break from thinking/talking/writing/reading about it. The stress and frustration has started to affect other areas of my life, including work, and I needed to take a step back.

Over the break, I went for a pelvic ultrasound to check for cysts. The clinic said that my doctor's office would have the results within two days. Not so much. After sweating it out for a full week, all I got was "unremarkable." My insides are unremarkable. No cysts, or anything else out of the ordinary. Great. Then WTF, body?

This is exactly what I was afraid would happen, that I'd end up back at square one. I don't really even know what to do anymore beyond continuing what we're already doing and waiting. After a full year, I can try to get referred to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, who may be able to give me more insight. Or maybe I need to accept that this is my "normal" now. I don't know. Tomorrow begins month #9. Cycle 6 started just over a week ago. I'm over this whole thing.

TTC Friday: We Have Lift-off!

First of all, it's finally March Break! Hallelujah!

Second, get a load of this beauty:

That last portion makes me very happy. See those crosshairs? And the steadily rising temperatures? My body finally managed to get its act together and drop an egg a week ago, so all of the estrogen-related nonsense has disappeared. I'm still waiting but this time, there's a very clear end in sight. By next week's TTC Friday update, I'll know if this was our cycle or not.

The time right around ovulation and this first week afterward is my favourite part of this whole thing. This is the part that we have some control over and the part when I feel the most hopeful. It's too early for any symptoms (or lack thereof) to mean anything and anything is still possible.

In past cycles, I was really curious and desperate to know right away whether we were successful or not. This time, I've been pretty mellow about it. I think I've made my peace with the amount of time that's passed and the fact that it may take even more. I'm not expecting anything and I'm not testing early. I know that my temperature will start to drop at 12 DPO if I'm not pregnant and my period will show up either the next day or the one after that. This time, I'm going to trust the temps and wait it out. My husband has been this mellow from the beginning. He's always had the attitude that he'll get excited when he see those two pink lines. Until then, he's not going to worry about it. I think it's easier for him because it's not his body that's being put through the wringer. At least, not in the same way. But now, I think I get where he's coming from and I'm starting to lean that way too.

Next Wednesday, I have my pelvic ultrasound to check my left ovary. I'm curious and a bit worried about whether or not they'll be able to see anything since the pain is always before I ovulate. That will have been done with for almost two weeks by then. I'm afraid I'll end up back at square one but I'm trying not to think about that. We'll cross that bridge if/when we get there. I'm also curious if they'll be able to check the endometrium and tell me if it looks like an impending period or...not. I'd like to know about the thickness of the lining because of my super-light periods and the spotting I had this cycle. I'm wondering if it is shedding properly each time.

In any case, regardless of what next week brings, for right now, life is feeling pretty good.

[In case you are curious, the temps right now don't really tell me much one way or another. They are consistent with my pattern from previous cycles. Same with the CM. My symptoms are not, but I'm trying not to read too much into anything.]

TTC Friday: Validation

On Monday, I saw my doctor for a pelvic exam to address the issues I've been complaining writing about for the last few weeks. Last weekend was very emotional and I was having a hard time preparing myself for what I may find out. In the end, I felt stupid for getting so worked up about it. I left the exam feeling more relieved than anything else.

It didn't start out that way. At first, it was frustrating because when I started to tell my doctor that I've been having long, irregular cycles since stopping  birth control, his response was the exact opposite of what I'd expected. He asked when I went off the pill and why. Considering that I made an appointment with him at the time to discuss it and the notes from that session are in my chart, this was a stupid question. Then he started to lecture me about how it's not an instant process when you're 30-ish and when conception occurs, blah blah blah.

 Um, thanks?

After showing him my charts and describing everything I'd been feeling, he finally got around to the actual pelvic. When he palpated my lower abdomen externally, I didn't feel anything. He started the internal check and on the right side, I still didn't feel anything. I was starting to think this was going to be a bust but when he moved to the left side, yikes. In one of my previous posts, I'd mentioned that the angry combination of sensations has always been on the left. Sure enough, it was the left ovary that was very tender. The doc has requisitioned a pelvic ultrasound to check for/confirm a cyst on that ovary. I'll be going in for that over March Break and we'll go from there.

The doctor also did bloodwork. I had been planning to ask him to check my thyroid levels, which he did. But he also noted LH and FSH on the form. When I tried to diplomatically suggest that perhaps CD39 wasn't the best day for those (knowing full well that it is not), his response was, "if they're out of whack, they're out of whack." Oy. I haven't heard anything yet, though, so either they haven't gotten the results back or they don't see anything wrong -- which would be interesting since my LH was actually surging at the time, according to my OPKs.

It would appear that I've surpassed the limits of my doctor's knowledge of women's health that I'd talked up so much before, but aside from that, I actually came away from this appointment feeling more relaxed about things. It's still frustrating to know that something's not right but I feel validated; my instincts told me that something was wrong and that there might be a cyst. It is looking very much like that's the case. A lot of uncertainty has been removed from the equation and so many things that I've noticed on my chart since September are making sense now. If it is in fact a follicular cyst, there's still not really anything I can do but at least I now know why I feel like crap for weeks at a time. That helps. It's not much to go on but it's a start. I'll take it.

TTC Friday: Getting Some Answers

Another week, a few more almost positive OPKs, one actual positive OPK, and still no sign of ovulation. The fun continues. [insert sarcastises here]

The DH needed to order something from Amazon earlier in the week so I had him add a copy of Taking Charge of Your Fertility to the order. I had borrowed it from the library when I first read it and I've been wanting to refer back to parts of it ever since, so it was time to pony up and buy it. It arrived two days ago and I've been skimming through it for some insight.

Based on TCOYF, I'm 95% sure my issues are a combination of post-birth control regulating and a follicular cyst (or some other type, but follicular seems to be the most likely type for my situation). This is considered a "functional cyst," meaning that it usually doesn't cause serious issues and resolves itself over time. These types of cysts are more common in women whose hormones are starting to go haywire as they approach menopause so when they occur in someone my age (pushing 30), they can be a cause for concern, particularly when TTC.

The plan was to get this checked out over March Break, which is in another two weeks. In the process of trying to schedule that, I learned that my doctor is retiring and is already phasing in his replacement. If I want an appointment, a) none are available for physicals until April and b) I can't see him anymore. This is not good news. My family doctor has been amazing over the years and when I had a gyno issue a few years back, completely unrelated to any of this, he handled it wonderfully. He knows my history and my family history since he saw my parents too. He used to deliver babies. The man knows what he is doing when it comes to women's health, which is rare for a family doctor. There is no one else I'd truly be comfortable with going to about all of this.

In the end, he took pity on me and was able to fit me in this coming Monday afternoon. If he finds signs of a problem, he'll refer me to a gynecologist and that will be that. I'll be grateful to finally have something concrete to go on and maybe a plan. I'm also a bit overwhelmed by the prospect of having to change doctors when all of this is going on and by the prospect of potentially having a diagnosis. It's so much easier to speculate and talk to yourself into believing that you just need to wait it out a little longer, it's probably no big deal. Putting a label on it and having to deal with it is a whole other story. I will handle it, if there is something that needs to be handled, but I am still not sure that I'm ready to actually hear it.

TTC Friday: Stalking My Own Chart

Like last time, here's a warning for those of you who don't care to know what my lady parts are up to: potential TMI ahead. Come back next week to see my review of Bossypants.

Two weeks ago, I was dealing with unexpected spotting and speculating on potential issues. The spotting stopped after a couple of days but unfortunately, the speculation continues. Here's what my chart looks like for this cycle:

There are several things wrong here:

• My period  is shorter and lighter than it has ever been, including while on birth control. It may not be a problem but it is unusual. On the plus side, I'm not spotting for days afterward anymore.
• The spotting from CD14 - 17 (hasn't happened since that crazy long first post-pill cycle)
• The crazy amount of fertile CM
• The lack of +OPK and temperature shift (those crosshairs are lying)
• If you could see the boxes with my symptoms, you'd see that I've checked off "ovulation pain" nearly every day since CD9. It's that weird pain I described before.

Taken individually, none of these things mean much but all of them in one cycle would seem to indicate an issue. In my last post, I was speculating about low progesterone and cysts. Since then, I've done a lot more reading and am pretty sure that I had the progesterone thing backwards. It's not a lack of progesterone that my chart is indicating, it's an excess of estrogen. I've had an estrogen dominant cycle before and this particulary cycle has some of the hallmarks of that one, so it wouldn't be surprising. As for cysts, I'm still not sure. My mom has a history of them so I'm not ruling that out yet.

The OPKs have been interesting this cycle. I started using them during my second cycle after birth control, when I hit CD30 again without a temp spike. I wanted to seee if my body was gearing up to ovulate multiple times before actually succeeding. So far, I'd only seen one surge and it's been followed by a temp spike just as it should. This cycle, however, the test line has faded in until it was almost positive once a week for the last three weeks, most recently just yesterday, and it has led nowhere. Where Fertility Friend has placed those crosshairs, CD21, coincides with one of the almost positive OPKs and the temp spike on CD23 had me excited until the next morning. Now, I don't know what to think.

All in all, this has just been a very messed up cycle. I don't know if estrogen alone could cause all of this. Maybe that combined with illness and the antibiotics that I took through the second half of last cycle? I didn't think antibiotics could wreak this much havoc. This certainly isn't the longest I've gone without ovulating yet, but it's so disappointing and frustrating to have thought that things were finally back to normal only to have my body decide to change things up again. 

A crazy newbie on The Bump recently posted, to those of us that were frustrated about this process, that it's all good because hey, the trying is fun.

 

In another two weeks, I'll be into month #8. I'll still be on cycle 5. My hormones will still be janked. This shit stopped being fun a long time ago.

[By the way, I did decide to talk to my doctor about all of this when I go for a physical, which I'm overdue for anyway. But actually getting an appointment has turned into a whole separate set of frustrations, which is another post for another day. Not a good time to retire, doc!]

Review Round-up: Books About the Baby Making

It's a snow day here in my neck of the woods. A perfect day for lounging on the couch, catching up on reading and blogging. I am loving it!

In keeping with the tradition that I have inadvertently started, it's TTC Friday. As promised, below are reviews of the books I've read since we started trying to make a baby. Not as mini as I'd planned (ok, not mini at all) but hopefully just as useful. Feel free to share any of your own thoughts or recommendations in the comments.

The Mother of All Pregnancy Books (Canadian Edition), Ann Douglas

This book lives up to its title. Douglas covers everything from deciding whether or not you're ready to start trying, all the way through to a birth plan. It's been helpful through the TTC process and I like that I'll still be able to use it once we are expecting.

Given the scope of the book, Douglas doesn't go into great detail in most sections but that wasn't an issue for me. As a reference, this book is perfect. When I wanted more specific details about something, I looked into other books that focused on that particular subject.

There are a few sections that I've found particularly useful over the last few months. The section that covers nutrition while TTC and during pregnancy discusses all of the required vitamins and minerals, the RDA, and what  types of foods to find them in. I especially love the charts: there's one for early pregnancy/PMS sysmptoms and their causes, various medications and their effects on early pregnancy (helpful when I had a cold in November), and several more. Another section I refer to frequently is the week-by-week guide to pregnancy. Obviously I haven't gotten very far with that, but I like knowing what's going on in my body during the 2WW.

Finally, the fact that there is a Canadian edition is great. Statistics and medical information that is actually based on Canadian numbers and the Canadian health care system was very helpful.

What to Expect Before You’re Expecting, Heidi Murkoff and Sharon Mazel

The What to Expect books are not popular among my friends who have already had babies and my first impression of this one wasn't great. In fact, I wasn't even planning on finishing it at first. Eventually, I did pick it up again and read the whole thing. If you can get past the crappy writing style (think The Cosmo Guide to Getting Knocked Up, with a lot of puns that are not as clever as the authors think they are), there's actually some good information here. There are also sections specifically for men, which was different from the other books I'd read.

The format is very much like a magazine; it's split into chapters that are further split into shorter sections. This worked well for some sections, like the early chapters that cover some of the TTC FAQs. It seemed strange in others.

The portion of this book that stood out for me was the section on infertility and ART. It does a good job of describing the options available and what they entail. It even has a tutorial on how to correctly use a syringe for injectables. We're not at the stage where we need to worry about any of this but I do like having some basic understanding of the options.

Overall, this book wouldn't be my top recommendation for people TTC but it wasn't a complete waste of time either.

Taking Charge of Your Fertility, Toni Weschler
(Note: this cover photo is of an older edition not the current one)

When we first started out, I had no intention of charting. I will confess that I thought only the obsessed women did the whole temperature thing and I was determined not to become "one of those." Once I started reading about it, though, and learning how it works, I was onboard. Initially, it was meant to be more of a science experiment but as my cycles turned out to be irregular, it became a necessity. That's where this book came in.

TCOYF is the charting bible. It describes the Fertility Awareness Method for both pregnancy achievement and birth control. It is NOT the rhythm method, which is a common misconception. This is not about tracking dates and relying on averages. This is about learning to read and interpret the signs that your body is giving you. Frankly, this is information that all women should know, whether they plan to chart or not, planning to get pregnant or not. Sex ed doesn't cover it; instead, we get information that is incomplete at best and woefully incorrect at worst. It would be helpful if doctors were all properly informed but they are not, so it perpetuates.

Weschler doesn't just discuss fertile signs. She also covers reproductive health in general and the information she gives is good from puberty right up through menopause. I felt a lot better informed after having read this book and empowered to be more proactive about my own health. For example, I now make it a point to do a breast self exam around CD7 every cycle. Weschler explains why that time frame is ideal and provides step by step instructions.

One criticism is that I could have done without the constant digs at doctors and the testimonials about how charting is the.best.thing.ever! I got it the first couple of times. After that, it set the wrong tone. Despite this,  the information is invaluable and should be required reading for all women.

The Impatient Woman’s Guide to Getting Pregnant, Jean Twenge

I'll admit it. I loved this book. After reading the previous three, there wasn't too much information in it that was new but Twenge's approach was refreshing. She goes a little Mythbusters on a lot of the information presented in other books about TTC, looking at the actual research (or lack of it, at times) to find out what is accurate and what is not. For instance, if you're over 35, your odds of conceiving drop drastically, right? Nope. Unless you're living in medieval France, which is where those statistics came from. And sex in the missionary position is best, right? Maybe. But despite advocating it in all the books, no one has actually studied which position is best so no one really knows. Shettles method for gender selection? Totally backwards.

I loved getting the background on all of the things I'd been reading about in the other books and Twenge's sense of humour made it entertaining. It felt like the book was written for me. I have two favourite sections of this book. The first is the chapter on healthy eating for fertility. It's a more condensed and easier to remember version of the advice that is in The Mother of All Pregnancy Books. The other is the chapter called something like "If Someone Tells Me to Relax Just One More Time...." In that chapter, Twenge looks at the research on the effects of stress and anxiety on TTC and shows that mild to moderate levels of stress are perfectly fine. It is "ruminating" and depression that can cause problems. That was comforting to me because I have a tendency toward anxiety and during the school year, stress is unavoidable. An added bonus: I actually read that chapter to my mother and haven't heard a single comment about not "trying so hard" or "don't think about it" since. [FYI: if you are someone who likes to advise people TTC to relax, please stop. It is not helpful. It is irritating and can actually be hurtful.]

A caveat: Twenge has a research background, as do I. When she talks about studies and data analysis, she does mention the limitations that some of the studies have. In those cases, you cannot read too much into her interpretation, especially if you are not familiar with data analysis. And you have to remember that a lot of her analysis IS just her interpretation of someone else's data; there is always room for error. I think the book sometimes gets a bad rap (on The Bump, in particular) because someone has misread or misunderstood the results and then spreads information that the book does not actually contain. The nice thing is that all of her sources are listed at the back of the book so that you can look at the original work. Like with anything, really, you can't take it all at face value.